March 16 is Lips Appreciation Day — and what better way is there to appreciate your lips than by not assaulting them with downright terrible drinks? Mojitos, when made correctly, are one of the most refreshing beverages out there. Unfortunately, because they’re involved and time-consuming behind the bar, they’re usually pulpy, bitter and way too strong.

How to make an actually decent mojito:

2 oz white rum (Bacardi is good)
1 oz lime juice (exactly 1 oz)
~3 oz seltzer water or carbonated mineral water (Pellegrino is great for this)
2 tbs. white granulated sugar; 2 tbs. water
leaves from two sprigs of mint
lots of ice

Drop the mint leaves in the bottom of a glass and add water and sugar; stir until the sugar is largely incorporated with the water. Muddle (crush) the leaves, either with a wooden muddler or the back of a wooden spoon. Fill glass to the top with ice. Add lime juice and rum. Stir well. Add three ounces carbonated mineral water or seltzer water and stir gently — enough to incorporate without losing too much carbonation.

Anything that could turn Hemingway into an alcoholic has got to be good, and I guarantee this recipe is better than the overworked bartender at Rudy’s is going to give you at 1:59 on a Saturday morning. Enjoy your lips!

Congratulations, guy, you survived the harrowing post-V-Day month to March 14, National Steak and Blowjob Day. Theoretically this day is supposed to reward guys for all the thoughtful card-writing and chocolates-buying of Valentine’s Day. In reality, it’s just a good excuse to make Blowjobs, one of the all-time great shooters. To make one, grab a shot glass and:

1 oz amaretto liqueur
0.5 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream
whipped cream

Build the first two ingredients in a 2 oz shot glass. Be sure to add the Bailey’s by tipping it very gently in the glass over the back of a spoon, or else it will get mixed in with the amaretto instead of layering (and Bailey’s mixed with any liquid other than saliva is nasty — it gets a gummy texture and can be hard to swallow.) Top the two liqueurs with whipped cream and shoot immediately.

This shooter is, surprise surprise, one of Roxy’s all-time favorites. Great way to start a night or wash down a well-deserved steak.

On March 12 of this year, Alfred Hitchcock would have turned 109 (as it was, he lived to a very respectable 81 years old.) To celebrate a man whose forty-year-old cinematic creations still manage to pack the University cinema, a spiked-coffee drink named after one of his best films.

The Vertigo

1 oz Grand Marnier orange liqueur
0.5 oz Kahlua
0.5 oz creme de cacao (white or dark)
4 oz coffee
whipped cream

Build the first four ingredients into a coffee mug and stir, then top with whipped cream to taste.

Perfect for the cold weather and the extra caffeine will help you stay up late in case a scary movie has you too keyed up to sleep. Happy birthday, Alfred. And thanks for that irrational fear of showers.

Happy March 10 — aka, National Mario Day, so named because the date’s USPS post-stamp is 1337 for his name: MAR10. Clever, huh? While the day is technically a celebration for Marios all over the world, anyone who just bought the Wii Super Smash Brothers knows who this day is really about. To celebrate, a drink served at Scrollbar, at the IT University of Copenhagen.

The Yoshi

1 oz sour apple liqueur (De Kuyper is good)
0.5 oz melon liqueur
0.5 oz lime juice
2 oz apple juice

Pour all ingredients into a cocktail shaker filled three-quarters with ice. Shake until the outside of your shaker is covered with condensation. Strain over ice into a chilled rocks glass and garnish with two lime wedges.

1-up!

Happy International Women’s Day! This 99-year-old, kind of bogus holiday is a biggie in Russia and other former Soviet Republics, so how better to celebrate it than knocking back vodka cocktails? Today, make your favorite woman a Cuban Lady.

Cuban Lady

2 oz. vodka (no Smirnoff, please)
2/3 oz. fresh-squeezed lemon juice, pulp strained out
2/3 oz. simple syrup (boil one part water, one part sugar together; let cool)
dash Chambord raspberry liqueur
lemon wedge and sugar, to garnish

First sugar the rim of a chilled cocktail glass by rubbing a lemon wedge around the outside of the rim only and rolling the rim in sugar. Then fill a cocktail shaker completely with ice and add vodka, lemon juice and simple syrup. Shake hard 10 to 12 times, or until the outside of the shaker is covered with condensation. Strain into your glass. Pour a dash of Chambord slowly over the back of a spoon into the cocktail. If you pour slowly enough, the red liqueur will form a layer on the bottom of the glass.

Beautiful and intoxicating. Sounds like a woman alright. (more…)

I firmly believe that there is a reason to drink (and drink well) every day of the year. March 7th, for example, is National Be Heard Day. And what better way is there to be heard than with a scream? A Creole Scream, that is.

Creole Scream

1 1/3 oz. white rum
2/3 oz. dry vermouth (I’d recommend Noilly Pratt)
1/3 oz. grenadine
1 dash bitters (Angostura all the way, but orange bitters might also be tasy)
Garnish: mint leaves and one green olive.

Build drink in a rocks glass packed to the brim with crushed ice, stirring constantly. Add bitters at the end, breathe deeply and take a sip. Then scream ’til you get somebody’s attention.

Apparently, for the sticklers, National Be Heard day isn’t really an excuse to drink rum with vermouth — it’s a holiday meant to celebrate small business owners and independent professionals in America. So if you really want to get into the spirit, buy Creole Scream ingredients from Ernie’s instead of mean ol’ Bev Mo. Or do what I do and just purchase enough booze every year to be legally considered a small export center.

Happy drinking!