Humor by Uche Ochuba
“This year, there have been at least four deaths [from gender reveal parties] so far, putting them on par with shark attacks in terms of risk of death.” -James Felton, iflscience.com.
Welcome back ladies! I know that recent events have left us all wondering: How can we welcome our bundles of joy with a BANG? 🤣 We all know that here on this blog, we are not ones to be outdone. Well, we as a society have progressed past piñatas and I took it upon myself to give us all some ideas!
First, chemically color your entire local body of water! I got in contact with one of my girlfriends who teaches my little ones’ science class, and she assures me that dumping a boatload of chemicals into the ecosystem is a great way to ring in a new life. I suggest copper sulfate for boys and cobalt chloride for the little women. 😊 Don’t worry, I checked to make sure that neither of these options were too costly. At least, not for you! 😂
Another cracking idea is to start a wildfire! This one is pretty self-explanatory, just get out there and start setting stuff on fire! Matches, explosions, anything goes! 💀 This one actually turns out to have a lot of history, so there is a ton to draw on: I know you can do it too. I couldn’t actually figure out how to get pink flames, so maybe just use a fuchsia flamethrower?
Next up: intercontinental ballistic missiles! 🥰 These are so, so, so easy to find, and I promise, ladies, that once you try them you are going to love them! My little one was especially thrilled. 🤗 We kept it super low-key (as the kids say) and don’t think the neighbors even noticed. It did, however, turn all the tap water in our city brown for a week. We ended up on the local news, but luckily we had fled the scene. Wouldn’t want to take all the credit! No matter how much you feel like it some days girls, DO NOT try this one at home. Not cute!
Finally, clear cut an entire forest. This is my hubby’s absolute FAVORITE. It’s the kind of statement that really says “watch out world, this newborn is gonna be a fighter”! I promise that your bundle of joy will not get bullied AT ALL in school and they will thank you in 15 years. Maybe, if they work hard enough, they can become a local menace and outright scourge on Indigenous land, just like mommy!
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.