Wiki-How: Guide to returning to BeforeTimes

Humor by Uche Ochuba
May 3, 2021, 9:06 p.m.

So a return to normal is on the horizon, but you just realized that there are many things about life in the BeforeTimes™ that you forgot about. Rest easy — your esteemed colleagues at The Occasionally are here to spot you.

  1. Subway
Illustration by Hannah Jeoung
  • Now, many of us have been riding the subway, even in the EndTimes, but there will be significant changes — it will soon be more crowded again. The first thing you will notice is there will be some fun obstacles or turnstiles to enter the underground. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that these are meant to be a fun and creative challenge. I recommend leaping over the turnstile if you are tall enough, slip-streaming another player, or maybe rolling even under like Indiana Jones.
Illustration by Hannah Jeoung
  • When the train arrives at the platform, there will be a limited time to enter. If you can’t manage to get past the crowd and hop in there quick enough, you might find that the doors will close on you. Due to the crowding of players, you may have to wait for the next shuttle, or, if you are really unlucky, you may be caught in the doors. Here is what will take place, as a function of what city you are in:
Illustration by Hannah Jeoung
  • New York: They really don’t care. The door will close on you and the car will begin moving. The marvel of engineering that the NYC system is, the door will press increasingly harder on your trapped limb at a rate of 10 newtons per second, forcefully reminding you to keep all arms and legs in the car. Better luck next time!
Illustration by Hannah Jeoung
  • Toronto: This is a bit more forgiving — the door will repeatedly open and close on you, trying to give you a chance to enter, profuse apologies playing on the speakers.
Illustration by Hannah Jeoung
  • LA: This has never happened; there is no one else on the subway.
  1. Clothing

Unfortunately, we will have to exit the caves and expose ourselves to the harsh sun once again, so it is important to dress for success.

Illustration by Hannah Jeoung
  • Shorts are pants, but long. Don’t feel too bad — it took me a while to figure this one out, too.
Illustration by Hannah Jeoung
  • In researching for this article, I tried going to the grocery store. Regrettably, my tactic of suit & tie + pyjama pants appeared much less impressive than it was over Zoom.
Illustration by Hannah Jeoung
  • Wearing indoor soccer shoes while not playing indoor soccer: this practice is officially banned. We are better than this.
Illustration by Hannah Jeoung
  • Wearing outdoor soccer shoes while not playing outdoor soccer is fine. It asserts dominance.
  1. Human Interaction
Illustration by Hannah Jeoung
  • During the EndTimes, you may have gotten used to avoiding others, trying to limit all interaction with others and pretending not to recognize people when they waved at you in public. These will still be excellent and completely acceptable behaviors. God forbid that we should have to talk to someone.
Illustration by Hannah Jeoung
  • Here is another difficult situation you may encounter: walking with a group of friends on a sidewalk that is just a bit too narrow to fit everyone. To avoid the rapid and brutal manifestation of the hierarchy of your friend-group (which somehow always ends up with you on the grass or road!), we recommend meticulously optimizing your formation to walk in predetermined, successive rows of two, three, or four so no one feels left out. Don’t walk in a group of seven. Don’t do it. It starts there and ends with a teary-eyed discussion in Shake Shack of the emotional scars you left when you refused to show that one friend how “Black Magic” worked for months on end in 2011.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Uche Ochuba '24 is the desk editor for humor and a contributing writer in the sports section. Contact him at humor 'at'

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