Humor by Uche Ochuba
May 25, 2021, 8:29 p.m.

This is an advertisement for a once in a lifetime opportunity. If you missed out on getting your very own Travis Scott burger at McDonald’s last year due to low supply, now is your chance to buy one for the low, low price of $79.99. Here are some answers to frequently asked questions below. 

Are these Travis Scott burgers authentic?

Yes, these Travis Scott burgers are 100% Goosebumps™ authentic. I purchased them from McDonald’s back in September. They come still in the original packaging.

How did you get access to these Travis Scott burgers?

Basically, I have a friend who at the start of the pandemic filled his house with 1,000 cases of toilet paper and 300 gallons of hand sanitizer. He now lives in the Hills. This seemed like a perfectly ethical thing to do, so I loaded up on 3,500 Travis Scott burgers and I have been keeping them in my house. I just want to help provide goods and services people need. So I am now price-gouging like a boss.

Are these Travis Scott burgers safe for consumption?

I have been keeping the Travis Scott burgers in my garage, so I think they should be safe. I kept them in the fridge for the first few weeks, but I didn’t feel like it anymore so they have been in my garage since about Halloween. They do, in fact, come with the 100% SICKO MODE™ guarantee that they are 40% covered in mold or less.

Are you desperate to sell these Travis Scott burgers?

They have been piling up in my garage, the scent is atrocious and I am forced to advertise in a school newspaper. So no, I am not desperate to sell them. Next question.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Uche Ochuba '24 is the desk editor for humor and a contributing writer in the sports section. Contact him at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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