It is widely believed that the average person receives in and around 120 emails per day. This rule seems to hold up well at Stanford, and in recent weeks we have all been closely watching any inbox updates that might suggest a U-turn on the school reopening — in a repeat of what can only be referred to in this piece as The Unspeakable Events of Winter 2021.

Since you might not have had time to read through all 500 words of Wednesday’s email from Persis Drell, your trusted confidants at the Occasionally are here to break it down for you.

Let’s start with some quotations. On five different occasions, the email stated that until Jan. 28, there will be:

“No indoor events and gatherings”

“Gatherings generally should be moved outdoors, moved online or rescheduled.”

“Outdoor-only gatherings and meetings”

“Indoor performances are…being canceled”

“Spectator attendance at indoor athletic events will be limited”

It can be really difficult to understand all of the information thrown at us daily, but drawing on our team’s Stanford education and expertise in statistics, probabilistic analysis, natural language processing and stochastic modeling, we think, maybe, we might not be allowed to have indoor events and gatherings. Just our take.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.