As the titular group of students who wish to remain anonymous, we write today to inform the rest of the community of the difficult situation with which we were confronted yesterday morning: the first day of “spring quarter,” whatever that is supposed to mean. We write because we were deeply troubled by a message that we all received on Axess, informing us that we had an “enrollment hold” because we had not enrolled in any “classes.”

After a week of being in far-flung destinations, we simply do not have any recollection of Stanford expecting us to sit through cruel and inhumane “lectures” to remain enrolled. We find the arduous process of moving from building to building highly upsetting.

We know that we are not alone. We are among you, and we live in the shadows — the ones who know that the system cannot stand. We call on our fellow students to join us.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.