News broke this week that Stanford University President Marc Tessier-Lavigne’s research is under investigation for scientific misconduct. This includes images that biologist and science misconduct investigator Elisabeth Bik says were clearly photoshopped.
The Stanford community will undoubtedly be reassured by recent quotations obtained by The Occasionally from President Tessier-Lavigne, in which he informed the campus that he only photoshopped his papers because “it was Week 10 and he was burnt out.”
“You know, I just really wanted to go home,” President Tessier-Lavigne told The Occasionally. “Ten weeks of suffering, it was 3 a.m., so I just did what it took and hit submit on Canvas.”
“I’m sure that any Stanford student can relate: Well-being is a strategic priority of the school, so I want to be sure that everyone knows that the actions I took were in that spirit. My own well-being. So I could, you know, sleep.”
“Furthermore, it can be tough to go back into “school mode” for that last stretch after coming home from Thanksgiving, stuffed with turkey. I am sure you will understand; my actions were not so unreasonable.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.