After four weeks of writing a column, I have been called a woman with “many experiences,” a man-hating feminist (or bad judge of character) and a writer with crude language trying to shock readers. And perhaps I am guilty of all of the charges, but it is still worthwhile to dig deep and explore the appropriateness of each of these titles.
I have had many experiences, some good, some bad, and the pleasure to meet some delightful men who still hold a dear place in my heart. Through the ups and downs, I longed to find the holy grail of “love” with no avail. Like the readers have suggested, perhaps I need to surround myself with better men, men who understand and appreciate me as a person rather than a sexual object. Likewise, perhaps I need to admire men for their humanity and individuality rather than admiring them as imperfectly preserved Greek sculptures. Therefore, as a woman with “many experiences” who has yet to experience love, I applaud those who have found a sense of belonging and wish you the best of luck with the continuous effort in maintaining your happiness.
Consequently, because of my “many experiences,” some readers have also accused me of promoting casual sex, to which I claim “not guilty.” Promoting casual sex is as regressive as promoting abstinence: both create cultures that force people to conform to a standard, whether “sexual liberation” or “sexual deliberation.” What I want to promote is a healthy attitude toward one’s own sexuality. If casual sex makes a person happy, then s/he should not feel judged by society for having casual sex. Likewise, if a person feels that sex should only be shared with someone special, then s/he should not be pressured into doing something s/he does not want to do. I have been focusing specifically on women as victims of sex and stereotypes, but for every woman accused of being a “slut,” there is a man afraid of being called a “virgin.” In both cases society forces someone to conform to a norm rather than celebrate their own sexual identity. Therefore, I ask you, my readers, to uphold your own beliefs and not become or make others victims of “social norms.”
As I plow through my comments, I am also delighted to hear about so many wonderful, ready-to-please (and still available) men on this campus. This makes a girl giddy. However, the cases I have listed in previous articles are, in fact, prevalent in Stanford. Both men and women have been quick in telling me that they/their partners are not like that. In fact, they say, it is my skewed perception of the world that made these things visible to me. While I understand their effort in restoring the name of men made rotten by “a few bad apples,” I insist on my stance on respect and awareness.
The scenarios I have listed in my two previous articles have been committed by lovely Stanford men who may or may not have beautiful girlfriends. And while it is easy to dismiss these scenarios of coercion as something “other” than our own experiences, we have maybe only one degree of separation between “us” and “them.” According to a U.S. Department of Justice report entitled, “Sexual Assault on Campus: What Colleges and Universities Are Doing About It,” statistics have shown that one in four women have experienced rape in their college career. In addition, the report indicates that the majority of rape is committed by people whom the victims know. In fact, “the more intimate the relationship, the more likely it is for a rape to be completed rather than attempted. Half of all student victims do not label the incident ‘rape.'” We read these statistics, and easily remove ourselves from the statistical pool or place ourselves in the non-victim and non-offender category. Therefore, to emphasize the “rarity” instead of (in context) “often” is counterproductive to my objective.
What we have to keep in mind is that people around us, and perhaps we, too, have been or will be “challenged” in the bedroom, and confronted by something that makes us uncomfortable. It could be the situation listed or it could be something more minor or severe. If we recognize the situation, we have a choice in deciding which part of the statistical pool we want to belong to. We can choose to recognize the violation and stand up firmly in defense of our own beliefs and of ourselves. Or we can dismiss it, and be like the female protagonist from “The Blowjob Scenario,” compromising our own morals and self-esteem, scarring our sex-life. Similarly, if we are the people who are in the position of possible coercion, do we recognize that we are making our partners feel uncomfortable and consequently remove ourselves from the “gray zone,” respecting our partners while protecting our own integrity? Or do we let our primal instinct take over and make regretful judgments that could be life damaging? (TBC)
To inquire about eligible bachelors ready to please, contact [email protected]. She is celebrating celibacy as a sex columnist for the sheer irony of it.