If there is one thing that exasperates me more than self-righteous old people, it’s psych studies that claim to justify said self-righteousness. The latest offending work comes from the University of Michigan. It finds that college students these days “are not as empathetic as college students of the 1980s and ’90s.” That’s right, fellow Millennials: even though “Walk Two Moons” was on every elementary school reading list, and lessons in conflict resolution were mandatory in seventh-grade social studies, we don’t care about anyone else. Researchers blame Facebook, violent video games and reality shows for this phenomenon, since skateboarding, that damn hippity-hop and reefers were already taken.

First of all, let me just say, as a self-respecting Ohioan, that Michigan sucks. Furthermore, I can’t understand how any researcher can worry about this generation’s apathy when the crotchetiest old man of “Watchmen,” Rorschach, was complaining about the bystander effect in 1986. Then again, poking holes in psych studies is like calling out white liberals for showing their privilege: it’s just too easy. And if I’m gonna be real, I have a few unnerving stories myself that support this study.

Take, for example, the saga of my best friend from high school (let’s call him Frank) and his roommate, Bob. I always considered Frank a compassionate guy. Bob somehow determined erroneously that Frank was sleeping with his girlfriend and accused Frank several times of doing so, each time with more conviction. Eventually he became so sure that this cuckoldry was taking place that he broke into Frank’s room searching for evidence, destroyed some electronics, then told Frank via text message that he had done so. Frank was justifiably enraged and promptly moved out. Yet only four hours after the incriminating text, Bob sent a follow-up text apologizing for his behavior and confessing that he had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression. Bob is currently living alone with his schizophrenic self, but when asked about Bob’s well-being, Frank said that he didn’t know or care about his status, even though this guy clearly needs help.

Another friend recently lost multiple relatives and has been spending most of his days in a cannabis-induced haze, even though he’s one of the more driven people I know. It wasn’t until I was on the flight back out here that I even thought to put two and two together, much less ask if he was all right.

And what about at perfect ol’ Stanford? Even though the duck syndrome is well documented, none of my best friends ever asked me about my mental health unless I desperately broached the subject first. I am equally guilty.

That said, like privilege-showing liberals, I just can’t lay off. I have serious issues with this study and its blind broadcast throughout the news media. Because honestly, Michigan, aren’t these traits of apathy and solipsism more just typical post-adolescence than they are anything generational? I mean, researchers’ statements, such as, “Many people see the current group of college students–sometimes called ‘Generation Me’–as one of the most self-centered, narcissistic, competitive, confident and individualistic in recent history,” are empty and unverifiable, and only serve to reinforce existing kids-these-days mentalities. Researchers: maybe you should check your own textbooks about a little confirmation bias. What’s more, don’t you think that maybe a generation raised on marriage counseling and introspection might be more up front about their narcissistic tendencies instead of hiding behind the socially desirable veil of altruism?

All I know is that I would take care before asserting that everyone within two years of my age cares only about themselves, but then again, you probably assumed that we were all too busy tweeting and replicating “Jersey Shore” to read the news.

With regard to possible causes for this so-called apathy, let me just say that my aforementioned best friend rarely used Facebook, chose “Madden” as his favorite game and never watched reality TV. These things rank among the most-abused bugaboos by intellectuals nationwide for explaining negative trends. And by the way, are we not the most socially active and tolerant generation–the generation that elected Obama–“in recent history,” as you care to phrase it? Michigan, if this study is how you feel about your student body, then I don’t want to know what your convocation speech sounds like. Though perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, Michigan sucks.

It’s been a great run. Please send any hate mail languishing in your drafts folder to [email protected].