I can anticipate the comments to this column already. Something like, “Jeez Dan, you really have a knack for finding the bad in good situations,” or even more likely, “Way to be a party-pooper, a******.”

Oh well, I’m going to say it anyway.

WHAT THE !@#$ WERE YOU DOING RUSHING THE FIELD ON SATURDAY, STANFORD FANS?

I’ve spent the last few days tossing around possibilities for the best adjective to describe the way fans ran out onto the field on Saturday after Stanford’s 45-38 win over Notre Dame. I’ve considered “pathetic,” which arguments could probably support and “sad,” which I believe the act was. I have, however, settled on ignorant, which I believe is a great word for summing up Stanford football fans in general.

Let’s walk through Saturday’s events: The Cardinal beat a team whose record is now 6-6, whose coach had been publicly tarred-and-feathered and had resigned himself to being fired even prior to the Stanford game, and whose players are so burnt out on football that they met yesterday to decide whether they wanted to accept an invitation to a bowl game. The highlight of Saturday’s game for the Fighting Irish must have been Stanford fans making them feel important by rushing the field after the game. Ignorant.

So what if their name is Notre Dame and the game was exciting? They suck, period. Their defense couldn’t stop Paly High’s powder-puff team and they have less heart than that girl in the Kanye song. Plus, their fans beat up their own quarterback last week.

In fact, Stanford didn’t even cover the spread, which was anywhere between nine and 10 points, depending on where you placed your bets. Yet the fans still rushed the field. So ignorant.

There are unwritten rules about rushing the field. I will now do everyone a favor and write them down now, so as to avoid any future confusion. They are fairly simple:

1. You rush the field (or court, as this applies to basketball as well) when your team beats a team ranked in the top 10 and your team is not ranked in the top 10. Hence, the rushing of the field after Stanford beat Oregon was appropriate.

2. You rush the field if your team wins after being the underdog by 20 or more points.

3. Lastly, you rush the field if you win your rivalry game. Rushing the field after winning Big Game will always be appropriate. (Note: Rule No. 3 does not apply to basketball rivalries like Stanford-California, in which Cal has been Stanford’s perennial punching bag for years).

If you have any further questions regarding field rushing etiquette, feel free to contact me and I’d be more than happy to make sure atrocities like Saturday aren’t repeated — ever.

As a senior, the ignorance of Stanford and Stanford fans shouldn’t be surprising to me in the least at this point.

After all, Stanford’s “biggest fans” are 70-year-olds that sit outside the stadium sipping their Napoleon Brandies and berating students for playing music while they tailgate. No wonder the stadium sounds like a church service during the game — the season ticket-holders like it that way!

On the occasion that the students actually do make noise during the game (notice I said students, not fans, because the rest of the fans are either rooting for the other team or fit in the category described above), at least half the time it is when Stanford has the football. So, so ignorant.

This brings me to my next point: cheer as loud as you can when the other team has the ball and shut the heck up when Stanford has the ball so they players can focus on actually doing their job. The fact that I have to put this in writing is appalling.

In fact, Stanford actually realized the ignorance of its fans and gave that Axe Committee guy a microphone on the field to lead the crowd’s cheering. First off, it’s pathetic that the school deemed that necessary, and second, in a awkwardly ironic yet fitting way, Mr. AxeComm cheers at the wrong time fairly regularly, which seems about right for Stanford fans.

Blaming the fans for all this would be cruel, however, because it wouldn’t get at one of the roots of the problem — Stanford itself and its stadium security (or the S.S. for short, as some fans have cleverly dubbed them).

Stanford has a new policy that students can’t loan their student IDs to other people when they can’t get to a game. That means when there are home games like Saturday’s, which fell over a break in school, students who are away from campus can’t give their IDs to friends to go to a game that was sold out. This policy sends the message that Stanford would rather force people to buy scalped tickets or display a half-empty student section on national television than actually fill up the stadium in support of the team. Again, very ignorant.

Then there is stadium security. Reserved for recruits and special people (maybe other athletes, I’m not sure) are the first five or so rows in front of the student section. These rows are comically empty week in and week out, but if students try to sit in them, redcoats like Tom Chase (I am a man of my word, buddy) that enjoy their power a little too much will kick them out of the seats — and, if you protest, out of the stadium.

I know it looks great on television ,and really impressive to recruits, to have the first five rows of the stadium empty, but hell, why should the students actually be allowed to have fun? Now that would be ignorant, right Stanford?

Dan Bohm is just bitter that he couldn’t touch Toby. Give him your sympathies at bohmd “at” stanford.edu.