Girl, You Know It’s True: The Tiger Woods Column

Opinion by Jordan Carr
Jan. 4, 2010, 1:54 p.m.

This break, we learned that unlike Santa Claus, Tiger Woods doesn’t stop at three hos. None of Woods’ 16 or so alleged mistresses have been confirmed, but let’s just assume for a second that all these mistresses are in fact telling the truth and Tiger had literally dozens of women waiting for him to bring the ruckus.

If so, Woods is more ruthlessly efficient off the golf course than on it–at least until allegations of a romp in a sand trap surface. His diligence in keeping many affairs secret for so long while simultaneously being the most dominant athlete in the world is an achievement worthy of recognition.

Best (Alleged) Mistress: Holly Sampson

Needless to say, there’s a lot of competition here. There’s the prostitute who was engaged to someone else. The one a British tabloid called a “sex-addicted cougar.” The one who has appeared in four films whose titles included the word “MILF.” The Playmate and prostitute. The former Miss Universe. Jessica Simpson. The one who appeared on VH1’s “Tool Academy.” Tiger’s women come from all walks of life, from Vegas cocktail waitresses to prostitutes to nightclub managers to porn stars to…O.K., maybe not all walks of life, but a lot of them.

The best is Holly Sampson, an actress who appeared on “The Wonder Years” with Stanford alum Fred Savage. Later, she’d be in over 80 porn movies, including an upcoming one based on her night with Woods. A topless Sampson alleged an affair with Woods, adding “he has talent on field and he has talent in the bedroom.”

Sampson, like many of Woods’ women, was blond and blue-eyed, making some call him a self-hating Cablinasian. Those people underestimated Woods’ Rain Man-like genius. With mistresses who looked vaguely like his wife, Woods was able to travel freely. If you saw him out at a restaurant with a blue-eyed blonde woman, you would just assume it was his wife. Do you really know what his wife looks like well enough to call him out on it? Nobody wants to pull an Austin Powers, insisting that “it’s a man, baby!”

The Mark Sanford Award for Best Electronic Message: “I will wear you out.

Was this in an ad touting Woods’ incredible work ethic that allowed him to outlast other golfers physically and mentally, or was it a text message he sent to cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs? Parents: when you name your daughter “Jaimee,” this will happen.

Best Advertising Campaign: Accenture

Accenture had a good run with Tiger Woods, including such slogans as “The road to high performance isn’t always paved,” “It’s what you do next that counts,” and of course, “Strategy 80%. Exit Strategy 80%.”

Best Career Move: Turn Evil

Woods should stop trying to market himself as a suave good guy and embrace his role as a villainous playboy. In short, less Gillette, more Axe. Specifically, a brand of Axe guaranteed to get the stripper glitter out. Also, he should do Viagra ads that are basically reenactments of Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin’” video.

Woods should leave his wife, start hanging out with Charlie Sheen and bring at least two scantily-clad women everywhere. He should refer to other golfers as “cracka-ass crackas,” grow cornrows and put out a rap CD. He would be a mature, responsible family man who ditched his wife to become a selfish, childish jerk with immature friends. It would be like watching a romantic comedy in reverse.

Best Rumors: All

The car accident was a fraud to cover the damage Nordegren did to Woods’ face. Woods is in Phoenix having facial reconstruction surgery. Nordegren fled to a private Swedish island. Woods paid women to say he was good in bed. Woods had “crazy Ambien sex.” Nordegren will sign with Puma to spite Woods. Nordegren chased him down the driveway with a golf club, causing the crash. Woods was high when he crashed. Woods has a pill/sex addiction.

Woods’ marriage was a sham. Woods funded his mistress’ liposuction. Woods used bribery and threats to keep his mistresses quiet. He watched “Desperate Housewives” with one mistress. Tiger Woods spiked a story about his affairs by agreeing to appear on the cover of Men’s Health. Woods appeared standing behind Barack Obama as his caddy next to the headline “10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger” in the January 2010 issue of Golf Digest (O.K., that happened).

I can’t say whether these rumors are true or false–the debate never ends. The most private and famous athlete went from nobody knowing anything about him and assuming he is boring to nobody knowing anything about him and assuming that he is an Ambien-fueled sex monster whose wife left him looking like Harvey Dent.

Login or create an account

Apply to The Daily’s High School Winter Program

Applications Due Soon