Dear Editor,

Thank you to Yanran Lu for her article in ‘Opinions’ last Friday, “‘She Consented!’ – the Blowjob Scenario Part I.”

I’m grateful because I’ve been “that guy.” In my first real relationship, with my first real girlfriend, back in high school, I was aggressive. I was manipulative. I was selfish. I knew boundaries, but got so wrapped up in sex that in the moment, I didn’t care. I wheedled and begged and blamed and made promises to get what I wanted.

This was sweet little me, the kind, talented, Stanford-bound kid who was pro-feminist, was best friends with more girls than guys, and who picketed and protested for women’s rights and for support of rape and sexual assault victims.

And then I read about myself in a pamphlet on abusive relationships.

But that didn’t make me stop. I got into a cycle of plying my girlfriend for pleasure, and then beating myself up and apologizing to her and buying her presents and telling her I loved her, and then letting my conscience again slip out of my brain and back down to my crotch. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. For the 18 months she and I were together.

After leaving her and high school behind, it took me another year and a half of painfully living with myself to muster the courage to apologize to her.

Today, even with her and I being on good terms, and with my much greater knowledge of who I am, and with my wonderful current relationship in which I try to give my girlfriend a mile whenever she gives me an inch, I’m still dealing with horrible guilt about that evil little part of my mind.

I’m grateful to Yanran for reminding me of my boundaries. This sexual aggression is in a gray zone that’s far from sexual respect, but it seems isn’t quite rape and isn’t quite assault. It’s something that’s easy to dismiss, and it’s also something that can eat away at you, as you wrestle with what’s right and what’s wrong.

It’s absolutely something that takes more than book smarts to deal with. To the men of Stanford, who have the immense burden of hormones that can take over the kindest mind like Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll, remember that knowing yourself is more important than knowing anything you could learn in a Stanford classroom.

Love,

Robin Thomas ’12