You may have heard something about this lady named Christine O’Donnell who defeated some boring dude named Mike Castle in the Delaware Senate Republican Primary. Bill Maher has been leaking clips revealing her foibles on a weekly basis, and the traditional media ritual of digging up dirt on political candidates has yielded some interesting stuff from the Sarah Palin/Tea Party favorite whose hilarious youthful activism has left a video record of O’Donnell admitting to dabbling in witchcraft and talking about how unforgivable masturbation is.

Needless to say, she will likely be our next president, so let’s get to know her in the most sensible way possible: an interactive quiz!

1. Christine O’Donnell’s first TV ad begins with her saying which of the following sentences:
   1. “I’m not a witch.”
   2. “Some of you may have seen fifteen year old tapes of me opposing masturbation, but I’m over forty years old and have never been married. You do the math.”
   3. “I don’t mind witches or masturbation. In fact, I masturbated to Harry Potter just yesterday.”

Answer

1. Which of the following was the source of a recent controversy:
   1. Whether or not O’Donnell’s sister had worked as Marilyn Monroe impersonator
   2. Whether or not O’Donnell’s mother had played a corpse on “CSI: Miami”
   3. Whether or not O’Donnell’s father had worked as Bozo the Clown

Answer

1. Why did O’Donnell decide she couldn’t become a Hare Krishna?
   1. She hates tambourines
   2. She loves meatballs too much
   3. Jesus told her not to

Answer

1. Which of these did Christine O’Donnell say she would stop the whole country from doing?
   1. Ignoring the Bible
   2. Having sex
   3. Celebrating Kwanzaa

Answer

1. Which country did O’Donnell say had a “carefully thought out and strategic plan to take over America” in 2006?
   1. Russia
   2. China
   3. North Korea
   4. The Iraq
   5. Africa
   6. Iran
   7. All of the above

Answer

1. Where did O’Donnell spend one of her first dates?
   1. Miniature golf course
   2. Bowling alley
   3. Movie theater
   4. On a satanic altar

Answer

1. According to Christine O’Donnell, when is it ok to lie?
   1. To deceive Nazis so that you can hide Jews from them
   2. Never

Answer

1. Which of these terms did O’Donnell use to describe homosexuality?
   1. “Identity disorder”
   2. “Wrong choice”
   3. “Pretty gay”

Answer

1. O’Donnell’s sister Jennie is:
   1. A “former homosexual” and yoga teacher
   2. A minor-league baseball mascot, twice convicted of DUI
   3. Gay and a self-described expert in the “healing arts”

Answer

1. Christine O’Donnell once led a discussion aired on C-SPAN 2 titled:
   1. “Why We Need Book Burning”
   2. “The Jewish Question”
   3. “Women of Middle Earth”

Answer

Answer key: 1a, 2c, 3b, 4b, 5b, 6d, 7a, 8a, 9c, 10c

How’d you do?

0-3 correct: You were probably masturbating the whole time.

4-6 correct: You’re probably one of the 30,000 Delawareans who voted for her

7-9 correct: You know more about Christine O’Donnell than she does

10 correct: You’re that guy who took her on a romantic date on a Satanic altar