To commemorate the lives of the countless pretty young things lost to a Freddy or Jason or some other supernatural killer over the years, Intermission would like to release a special public service announcement to all once and future horror film characters. Here are some tips to drastically increase your chances of survival.

First off, you can probably avoid the entire debacle by calling the police – all that “the phone lines are dead!” hogwash doesn’t work anymore; everyone and their mom has a cell phone. Use it or face the consequences (death).

A common root of the problem is the whole “curiosity-killed-the-cast” idea. If it’s a dark, stormy night, and you think it would totally be the sickest thing ever to crack open your grandma’s old satanic book and mess around, chances are high that it’s definitively not. Odds are you’ll awaken an ancient murderous force that’s been waiting years for someone stupid enough to release it so it can slaughter you and all of your extremely attractive friends. Or maybe you think it would be cool to steal an old relic from a malevolent force that will destroy you if you don’t give it back. Also a dumb idea.

The curiosity thing applies to pretty much the entire movie – if you hear a scary boom coming from off in the woods, upstairs or somewhere other than where you are, do not, repeat, do not go and check it out. Stay where you are. It will not gain you man points or street cred. Unless you know it’s an unpleasant but otherwise harmless ghoul thumping around your attic, our statistical experts here at Intermission calculate your chance of survival at approximately 5 percent. Sometimes, it pays to be apathetic. On the other hand, if you hear an ominous sound coming from where you are, you should probably get the heck out of there ASAP. But never ever run upstairs, into the basement or any place where a psycho killer could easily trap you inside.

If someone does get killed from wandering off, that should be a red flag to the surviving friends not to split up and explore in small groups (hello cast of every single “Scream” movie). This is especially pertinent if the power suddenly goes out. However, we all know you guys probably will anyway. The least you can do then is not take a bath or shower that leaves you naked and vulnerable (“Psycho”), have sex (“Friday the 13th”) that leaves you naked and vulnerable or do anything else that leaves you naked and vulnerable.

Also important: make sure you have a good sense of balance and are physically fit in general. In “Zombieland,” there’s a reason why Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) stresses “Cardio” as number one on his list of tools for survival. Horror films literally are survival of the fittest. Those who stumble and fall, generally the same who flail and wail, are the surest to be axed first. If your hysteria prevents you from running capably, try at least to walk briskly. It’ll help – have you ever seen Jason Voorhees or Mike Myers run or even casually jog for that matter? Stomping menacingly is their general mode of transportation.

Another thing: Intermission is not condoning child abuse by any means, but if spooky kids start haunting you or crawling out of your TV, you have a right to kick the little buggers in the face.

Next, if you’re on a road trip, take care of your gas tank, bladder, tire pressure and anything else you can think of in a crowded, public area. These are all precautions to keep you from pulling over in a creepy, deserted area that is most likely populated by A) zombies, B) freaky folk from “The Hills Have Eyes,” C) vampires or D) murderous children who like corn.

Precautions can go a long way. When buying a house, check the history. Was anyone brutally murdered? Is there a curse on the house? Did someone mysteriously go missing? Does your wise, vaguely ethnic housekeeper sense bad vibes in the house? If you answer “yes” to any of those questions, do not purchase the home unless you have a death wish.

Now please, horror movie casts, take our advice to heart. We tried to warn you.