You may have noticed some comedians held a rally or something this weekend talking about how the media blows things out of proportion and paints an over-dramatic picture of the political landscape. With that in mind, here’s some endorsements for today’s midterm elections, with Sanity fully Restored.
For Senate in South Carolina, Alvin Greene (Democrat)
Alvin Greene, the unemployed veteran who won the Democratic primary without spending any money on campaign materials whose win was credited with/blamed on with everything from him being a Republican plant (or tampering), to faulty voting machines, to simply being the most alphabetical, to the fact that in the words of one State Senator, “No white folks have an ‘e’ on the end of Green.” Regardless, a Democratic Party inquiry into the matter found no wrongdoing in his payment of $10,400 filing fee.
Things only got weirder after the nomination for the self-endorsed Time Man of the Year. He was indicted on obscenity charges for showing pornography to a college student last November. He moaned and groaned at a reporter who asked about it. His military records described him as “a threat to others” because of his incompetence (he was honorably discharged, but not voluntarily). He took part in a surreal interview with the Charleston City Paper that included this exchange:
“What to do if you have a bad roommate, Mr. Greene?
Stay alone. Do without a roommate.
What about avoiding the freshman 15?
Work out.
And if you overdo it and wake up with a hangover?
I don’t know.
There was this delightful rap video and song “Alvin Greene is on the Scene” (which included the lyric “and he don’t show porno to college chicks” and inexplicably includes LeBron James highlights as well as pro-Greene images) that despite its ridiculousness, actually had the New York Times believing it was real—just to reiterate, the New York Times saw a rap video with random LeBron highlights talking about how he doesn’t show porno to college chicks and thought, “That’s definitely official Senate campaign material.” Such has been the nature of the Alvin Greene era.
There was this interview where Greene said his Republican counterpart Jim DeMint was personally responsible for the recession 11 times. There was the time Greene suggested that in order to stimulate the economy, people, “make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit.”
And Alvin Greene is the Democratic nominee for United States Senate in South Carolina. Said one person who voted for him, “Lord have mercy. I voted for this dude!’”
For Senate in Delaware, Christine O’Donnell (R)
We covered most of the Christine O’Donnell story on October 4, so for now we’ll avoid witches, masturbation, satanic altars, evil Chinese schemes to conquer America and the virtues of turning Anne Frank over to the Nazis and instead focus on her more recent ventures into newsworthiness.
Her latest foray into national attention has been the result of Gawker’s decision to publish an anonymous first person account of making out with O’Donnell and then not having sex with her. Gawker defended not only publishing the account but paying “in the low four figures,” because since she doesn’t like masturbation, this is evidently fair game. But, on the internet, it seems anonymity only lasts so long, and the guy who wrote the story was, you guessed it, Dustin Dominiak! O’Donnell responded to the news by not knowing what the word “condoning” means.
In other COD news, she released an ad that paid homage to Antoine Dodson’s “Bed Intruder” song, declared The Passion of the Christ was a nonprofit, was baffled to learn that the First Amendment includes that whole freedom of religion thing and got the Taiwanese news’ attention.
For Governor of New York, Carl Paladino (R)
Carl Paladino won his way into our hearts by defending his forwarding of emails involving, well, sex with a horse, with the airtight argument that “I’m in the construction industry.” And since Jimmy McMillan of the Rent is Too Damn High Party’s rent has been revealed to be not that high, Paladino has emerged as the best candidate by taking bold stance after bold stance on the issues.
On Attorney General Eric Holder:
“Fuck him. Fuck him.”
On Democratic nominee Andrew Cuomo’s, um, prowess:
“For weeks, the media has badgered me about affairs, because unlike a career politician I was honest enough to acknowledge she was my daughter when I announced my candidacy. What I meant to express in my anger was simply this: Does the media ask Andrew such questions? Andrew’s prowess is legendary.”
“[E]xposing [children] to homosexuality, especially at a gay pride parade—and I don’t know if you have ever been to one, but they wear these little Speedos and they grind against each other and it’s just a terrible thing.”
And:
“There is nothing to be proud of in being a dysfunctional homosexual. That’s not how God created us, and that’s not the example that we should be showing our children – and certainly not in our schools.”
And:
“Awesome.”
“The day that bill was passed will be remembered just as 9-11 was remembered in history.”
On (Jewish) New York State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver:
“If I could ever describe a person who would fit the bill of an Antichrist or a Hitler, this guy is it.”