Is it seriously Week 1 of the quarter already? That break went by just a little too fast. Honestly, it’s probably for the best. I need to be back here at Stanford being studious. Not because my life devolves into a sad mix of sloth and gluttony over winter break (whose doesn’t?), but rather because break allows me ample time to indulge all of my guilty pleasures. And trust me, I have a lot of guilty pleasures.
In fact, I’ll tell you about a few right now. I’m still not sure I should admit most of what I’m about to write to the Stanford campus as a whole, but we’re friends, right? This relationship has been going on for almost four months now, so I feel like there’s a lot you need to know about me before we can take things to the next level between us. So grab a bag of Doritos and some ice cream and read on:
Guilty Pleasure #1: Independence Day
You’re probably saying, “Shane, how can you call one of the greatest cinematic achievements of all time a guilty pleasure?” I know where you’re coming from, but apparently, a lot of people out there didn’t like this movie. Society has a name for them: idiots. Let’s put it this way—I’m pretty sure President Whitmore’s climactic “TODAY, WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!” speech influenced the future 48th President of the United States to run for office. We call Barack one of the greatest orators of our time, but I don’t know if he could pull off an impromptu speech like that with an alien warship looming overhead.
Come on, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum commit alien genocide together! I know it’s coming up on being 15 years old, but try to tell me you’ve seen a film with more rewatch value than this one. I should know. I watched it twice over this break alone, bringing my grand total to 179 views. You read that correctly. That means I’ve spent 18 days of my life watching Independence Day. I loved every minute of it—all 26,000 of them.
Guilty Pleasure #2: Gossip Girl
This one is almost impossible to defend among my friends. And I don’t even want to get into some of the conversations I’ve had with my dad about my Gossip Girl obsession. No one seems to care that it’s a television show packed with beautiful women. Apparently, if you have a Y chromosome, you’re not allowed to go near this show. This discrimination needs to stop. It’s not what America is about.
Seriously, have you seen Serena van der Woodsen? Gossip Girl is known for its fashion, but I’m not even sure what she wears in half her scenes count as clothes. That can only be a good thing. Then there’s Blair Waldorf. In a recent episode, she admitted to washing out her wine glasses with L’Occitane shampoo because dish soap just doesn’t cut it. I know that most normal people wouldn’t count that among their turn-ons, but this is my guilty pleasure for a reason. Please don’t judge me.
Guilty Pleasure #3: Taylor Swift
Every Christmas, my best friend Sam and I exchange gifts. Now, she probably knows me as well as anyone on the planet, so I always look forward to her present. This year, she got me a Taylor Swift T-shirt. I’d like to pretend it was a gag gift, but I’d just be lying to myself. It’s purple. It’s a size large. Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s a women’s large. I still haven’t decided if I can wear it in public yet.
My life’s dream is to have Taylor Swift write a song about me. It would ostensibly be about how I was the perfect one for her and she let me get away because—let’s be honest—the best Taylor Swift songs are the bittersweet ones. Unfortunately, this is a dream that my Stanford education can never help me to achieve. It’s solely up to my wit, charm and good looks. Luckily, I’ve been blessed with all three. Let’s just hope she never reads this column.
Do you think you’re a better match for Shane than Taylor Swift—even after all that? Then you should probably e-mail him at [email protected].