If you’re like Intermission, you’ve probably learned a lot from the Stanford Police this year, specifically what a hot prowl is or how easy it is to get away as long as you “disappear into the groves.” Similarly, you’re probably frustrated with their infuriatingly cryptic texts and how we never ever really find out what happened. In any case, Intermission’s done its best to piece together five signs that you might be wanted by the Stanford Police.

You drive a badass, souped-up car.

May 14: “Witnesses describe the second vehicle as an older, 2-door vehicle, possibly a Lexus or Buick, which is burnt orange, brown or gold in color. This vehicle has distinct, large rims (possibly 24 inches in diameter) and scissor-doors (doors that rotate vertically at a fixed hinge at the front of the door, rather than outwardly as with a conventional door).”

You have dreadlocks.

May 14: “…a slender build and long dreadlocks, possibly armed with a silver hand gun.”

Apr. 24: “…some of whom may have had dreadlocks.”

You’re a short man.

Apr. 24: “He stood about 5’2” to 5’4” and had a chubby build.”

Apr. 9: “He stands 5’6″ in height and has a chubby build.”

You’re a little on the heavy side.

See the preceding point. Nothing will get you on Weight Watchers faster than a campus-wide blast critiquing your weight.

You look like this dude.