Just in case any (read: all) of you readers haven’t been faithfully watching “The Bachelorette” for two hours a week, let me introduce you to the man whose absolute scumbaggery has defined this season: a fine young lump of human slime by the name of Bentley. Bentley is that guy your mom warned you about when you went off to college, telling Ashley to her face that he had real feelings for her and then turning to the camera and laughing about how she was ugly, stupid and “haha, oh man, totally falling for it!” He confounded me for every episode that he showed up in, because his levels of cruelty were so ridiculously, unrealistically evil; at first, I thought the show had put him up to playing with her mind, but if that were the case, they wouldn’t have had him leave the show early. It remains a mystery.
Anyway, this episode was a big deal because Bentley, after leaving the show three episodes ago, returned for more screen time. We all assumed that the producers had made him come back to confess to Ashley that he didn’t actually have feelings for her so she could stop freaking talking about him every second of every episode, but to my surprise, Bentley kept up his lies – but for the first time, Ash saw through them! I very, very, very briefly felt a flicker of respect for her.
After Bentley, the episode was mostly forgettable and involved a lot of the ‘Borings’ (the suitors whose names and faces are unremarkable to the point that I’ve had to come up with mnemonic devices to remember them). The first one-on-one date was with Southern Gent; the group date involved Dragon Racing and paired up Constantine and Ben F., which was inconvenient because I have never been able to tell them apart. Blake, the festering sack of turds that loves to badmouth the others behind their backs, was finally sent home. He was confused; I was triumphant. People complained about things that weren’t worth complaining about. Ash got insecure and cried. Yawn.
Since nothing much happened this episode, I’ve decided that I need to spend some time on Ames, because I find him infinitely and unintentionally hilarious. Ames is intended to be the token intellectual, the manifestation of all that “smart is sexy” jargon, and yes, he’s charming, but oh my god he is impossible to take seriously. Everyone knows and loves an ‘Ames;’ he’s that guy in your friend group that everyone loves to give a hard time. Any attempt at seriousness or charm will be met with a resounding “SHUT UP, AMES” from the crowd. He’s the guy who, when the suitors all had to fight each other, got saddled with the hot pink uniform and then proceeded to get the living hell kicked out of him and had to go to a hospital in that same little pink uniform. You love him in the same way you would love a particularly ugly pug: with affection, with protectiveness and with not a hint of romance. Unfortunately, nobody seems to have told him that, because in this episode, he tried to be suave. He pulls Ashley into the elevator, winks knowingly and presses the button for the highest floor (shut up, Ames). He goes in for a tremendously awkward kiss; she giggles and he hushes her (shut up, Ames). The elevator doors open and someone goes to enter; Ames sort of herds them away while still trying to maintain James Bond status (for the love of God shut up, Ames). I literally could not breathe for laughing.
Tune in next week, when Ashley will be crying about boys in Taiwan.