This is the closest thing to an advice column you’ll see in The Daily. Unfortunately, it is not written by a doctor or therapist but by a guy that applied for a column mainly to see the word “Doo-Doo” put into print on a weekly basis … so good luck with that.
The DOs are things you should do, and the DOO-DOOs are things you should not do. It’s not rocket science — just poop jokes.
Joining (or avoiding) clubs, teams, etc.
You will have tons of people badgering you about joining their clubs or activities every time you bike through White Plaza. No matter how nice and enthusiastic they are, you will feel like they’re just handing you a flyer saying, “Here, you throw this away.”
DO: Keep an open mind to new experiences. Follow up with what interests you, even if your parents don’t understand why they’re paying $50,000 a year for you to dig up rocks … or something else that’s weird and makes for a good example. Juggling?
DOO-DOO: Sign up your roommate’s email on every spreadsheet and clipboard in sight. While it will be objectively hilarious when he gets 50 emails a week letting him know that the Stanford Dance: Liquid Flow Performance has been moved to Roble Gym, he will not think so. If he’s anything like my freshman roommate, he will retaliate by “accidentally” drawing phallic symbols on you any chance he gets. “Sure Chase, I’ll help you paint your chest for the football game. Oh whoops, my bad, the ‘S’ in ‘Go Stanford!’ accidentally looks like a penis.”
Finding your way around campus
Stanford is huge, there’s no doubt about it. According to (my edit yesterday of) Wikipedia, “Stanford University is so big that the moment Berkeley students set foot on campus, they pee their pants out of sheer intimidation.” Irregardless (which is not a real word), it can also be difficult for new Stanford students, even with their indisputably larger brain capacity.
DO: Download the campus map app. Find your way to all of your classrooms before the quarter starts so you won’t be late for class. Let’s face it: if you’re going to be more than 10 minutes late to IHUM lecture, you’re not going to IHUM lecture. You’re going back to sleep.
DOO-DOO: Let your roommate draw a map of the Stanford campus on your chest in Sharpie. Even if he claims you’ll be able to find your way around campus easier or that you’ll “look awesome, like that guy from ‘Prison Break,'” it is not true. First of all, it’s Sharpie; you won’t look cool lifting up your shirt at the bookstore to see how to get to the new Panda Express. Second of all, no matter how much he denies it, you both know he drew Lake Lag in the shape of a penis on purpose. It looks nothing like that.
Friends are the building blocks of life. Without friends, we wouldn’t have the TV show “Friends,” and without the TV show “Friends,” I wouldn’t have my go-to question to ask girls on awkward first dates. (“Do you see me as more of a Joey or a Ross?” If she says Joey, then I’m set. If she says Ross, then we are definitely splitting that dinner check.) College can be the perfect setting to make incredible life-long friends.
DO: Try your best to love everyone, no matter how different they are. Just because you’re a dorky, white medical student doesn’t mean you can’t be best friends with a cocky, black surgeon and go on crazy adventures with your stuffed dog Rowdy (“Scrubs”). Just because you’re a passive, discontent, white-collar “everyman” doesn’t mean you can’t befriend an eccentric, self-assertive soap-maker and start secret underground fight clubs across the country until you realize you’re actually the same person (“Fight Club”). Just because you’re a strong, yet slightly neurotic woman doesn’t mean you can’t hate an egotistical jerk of a guy that actually turns out to be a kind of sensitive man when you get to know him, and by being forced to interact together for some slightly comical, yet predictable reason, you two work through your relational problems and eventually fall in love. (“Every Sandra Bullock Movie Ever”).
DOO-DOO: Confuse movies and television shows with real life. People will think you’re a freak and not want to be friends with you.
Chase also has some great album recommendations for you, so DO email him at ninjaish at stanford.edu.