Hello, freshmen. Roxy Sass is your humble guide to gettin’ some (and makin’ puns). And she likes to be honest here: if you’re a late-blooming nerd like much of Stanford’s class of 2015, you probably haven’t had sex yet. (If you have, simmer down now: it was probably much sloppier and more underwhelming than you think it was.)

But never fear: it’s time to turn over a new  leaf — and find a consenting lover under it. Tips? Oh, Roxy knows about tips.

Take advantage of your surroundings.
NSO is a rare and wondrous time during which it’s actually cool to do dorm chants and wear your dorm t-shirt. And although dormcest is a bad idea, it’s inevitable — so you might as well capitalize.

So you have your eyes on that hottie down the hall. Roxy’s got suggestions: bribe your RA to put you in the same scavenger hunt group — then cozy up on the Muni. Rub up against them during fountain hopping — “Oh, man, I’m all wet!” Or suddenly find yourself “lost” together when Band Run passes by Lake Lag. That swampy smell can really be an aphrodisiac.

Bond.
Gauge their enthusiasm during those flag-waving chants and romps. Are they sooo into it? Chant louder and smile! Totally over it? “Cmon, this is lame. Let’s get out of here.” Even Roxy can’t spell bondage without a bond.

Avoid certain targets.
That girl or guy who’s flirting incessantly with you but is still holding onto a long-distance relationship from high school? You’ll either be a cock-tease victim or a home-wrecker. And RAs, TAs and clinging vines? The trouble’s not worth the nut. Avoid.

Above all, go to town. Roxy thinks fondly of her NSO days, when she really learned how to put the “o” in NSO. Soon you’ll be putting nose to the grindstone all night; for this precious week, put your heart (and other parts) into grinding all night.