Thanksgiving Week was a good time for sequels. “The Muppets” netted an enviable 98-percent “Fresh” rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword vaulted already venerable properties to ever-higher critical acclaim. So successful were these sequels, in fact, that it’s easy to forget that most sequels are, at best, half-baked retreads. Here are five of the worst offenders, collapsed soufflés of pure dreck that sucked us in with promises of greatness only to…well, to suck.
“Evan Almighty”
Quick, what comes to mind when you think “the climax of a comedy movie?” If you thought “shameless pontification against corporate greed or something,” then congratulations, this is the movie for you. “Evan Almighty” isn’t a failure on every level, just on the one level that counts for a comedy movie: being funny.
“Speed 2: Cruise Control”
“Speed” is not a classic by any measure. It is, however, a solidly entertaining action movie that allowed Keanu Reeves to show the world just how much he couldn’t act. So if “Speed” is a masterpiece with shades of Tarantino, then its sequel–set on a cruise ship, otherwise known as a vehicle that literally cannot go faster than a residential speed limit–falls somewhere on the lower end of the Dennis Dugan spectrum. He’s the guy that directed “Jack & Jill,” by the way.
“Batman & Robin”
At one point in the movie, co-antagonist Mr. Freeze queries our heroes, “What killed the dinosaurs?” That his answer is the groan-inducing pun “the Ice Age” makes it abundantly clear why any answer other than “this movie” is an egregious oversight. Another reason? Nipples. On the Batsuit. Also, there exist more than zero love triangles involving both our hero and the boy wonder–specifically two…maybe. The only consolation? Batman was shelved until “Batman Begins” because of it.
“Home Alone 3”
An unsuspecting viewer who sees “The Pacifier,” a Vin Diesel gem about babysitting, will likely be more than a little surprised that the villains are, ultimately, North Korean terrorists. Apparently, this trope is older than that viewer would imagine, because the same conceit is at the heart of this Macaulay Culkin-less (and Christmas-less) sequel to the now-classic staples of the ‘90s. Every character in this movie is new, which just gives viewers even less of a reason to care about the same exact antics as the first two.
“Spider-Man 3”
Moviegoers flocked in droves to see Spidey battle some more enemies in some more awesome superhero action. Instead, they got Tobey Maguire sporting an emo look and attitude for about 45 action-less minutes before he fought a really emotional guy made of sand but somehow still dangerous. Also Venom. And the New Goblin. With so many villains, it’s amazing how boring–and bad–this movie was.