In case you hadn’t heard, Newsweek came out with their College Rankings for 2011, and Stanford’s ranked fifth. For horniest, that is. Now, we made the cut many times over in those silly areas like Most Return on Your Investment or whatever, but let’s face it: You can get a good education anywhere. That’s why God (and Horace Mann) invented public school. When you choose a college, it’s like picking out a car. It has to go from point A to point B; that’s the given. What you’re really looking for is something fun and sporty, something that will take you there fast and preferably comes in Cardinal red.

And any rep/tour guide/student/alum/Dean Julie will always give you the same used-car-salesman spiel: Yeah, we have the best teachers, and campus, and whatever, but it’s really (and they draw it out here, so you KNOW they tellin’ the truth) the students that make it the best. I know how it works; I wrote those “Why WhateverCollege” essays, too.

But when you’re making your list, will YOU want your roommate to be the future co-founder of a giant company, which you may try to swindle 40 percent of later? No, no, you’re not going to Harvard. You’d rather they be the wingman to your Friday nights and Sunday Fundays.

And really, what does “Horniest” mean anyway? Like horniest students, or professors, or curriculum? I mean, I did hear about some wild IHUM they offered for a year, but that got axed (insert Cal joke here), and everyone is always chatting up that French Cinema (porn) class, but is this mark cause for concern? Or celebration?

As far as I can tell, I guess it’s pretty true. Living down the hall from he-who-shall-be-known-as-RushCrush during freshman year certainly opened my eyes to the world of walks of shame (and no names), empty bottle evenings and un-returned phone calls (of both the literal and figurative variety). But the real reason why this list has got me thinking is, what does this mean for the rest of ‘em? I know people who go to the colleges that placed one through four on the list – do they just blow off class for orgies and cocktails all the time? How can I look at Bo Levine (names changed, for confidentiality…and as a precaution against cyber bullying) without wondering what goes on in all those colleges of Yale? Or is it more of a gradient? Yalies (#1) are just like, Manwhores and Lady Pimps; Stanfordians are ladies on the street, but freaks in the sheets; and then my friends at Brown (#25), you know, they get some action, but they aren’t bragging in the boys’ room? I just don’t know what to think of them, or even my other classmates.

Does this Cardinal H imply a certain amount of reciprocity? Is prudence more Princeton (not listed) style? And how exactly did the admissions officers screen for this? Are they calling me a ho? Are they calling all you other Stanford kids hos? Or congratulating us for being smarties with needs?

I think, in reality, somewhere between Full Moon on the Quad and Mausoleum Party, every freshman class loses all sense of propriety and restraint and realizes that the last four years of over-achieving have brought about a pressing need for rebirth, in the form of over-crowded, under-dressed, perspiration-laden frat house floors rife with questionable make-out sessions and copious amounts of rally.

I mean, if that sounds horny to you, I guess we earned our ranking. Congrats Stanford – now lets go party.