My Man Crush on Joel Stein

May 25, 2012, 12:59 a.m.

Man Crush. It’s a term generally used to describe when a straight man has a crush on another man, in an idolizing way, and I’ve got one on Joel Stein ‘93

. Okay, so I’m, by most definitions of the word, a woman, but “Man Crush” is the only phrase to describe my adulation of the columnist whose first book, “Man Made,” hit the stands last week. A simple “crush” doesn’t fit, because this is not a Lolita situation and I am not creepy; he’s not quite a “mentor,” because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually know who I am; and it’s not a “girl crush,” because, despite Stein’s 300-page-long quest for manliness, he is technically male. Alas, I have a man crush on Stein because, well, he’s the type of man I want to be.

Struck with the fear that his sonogram-baby’s penis will eventually grow to full human form and that he must teach his penis-baby the tricks of the man trade lest that baby seek help from friends’ fathers or coaches, Stein decides to embark on a journey to find his own masculinity. If you don’t know Stein as well as I claim to, the humor writer for “Time Magazine” has contributed to the likes of GQ and the Los Angeles Times and even began as a columnist for The Stanford Daily. Maybe I look up to Stein because I’m the type of person who isolates two obscure similarities between myself and a potential idol, finds a desired outcome and then concludes that there is hope for me, the struggling artist with a figurative beret and literal dreams for semi-stardom.

So when I found out during one of Stein’s campus talks that he also didn’t start at The Daily until sophomore year, that his back-up plan was a life of lawyerdom, too, and that he contributed to GQ — nothing less than my dream job and the subject of my college essay — I was certain that I too would some day make it in this society. All alumni should be so inspiring.

I remember the first time I met Stein. It was just before I was ducking out of a class to attend Stein’s actual talk with The Daily. He was wearing a brown suit, like a monkey. And then I met Stein again when he spoke during iDeclare week to a group of sophomores, sitting around him and a panel of other speakers in folding chairs with mediocre refreshments that made it feel more like a self-help slap in the face than a career-planning venture. When a former Wall Street Journal journalist asked me what I wanted to be when I graduated from Stanford, I announced to the room that I wanted to be Stein. The room laughed; iDidn’tDeclare.

The last time I met Stein, I cornered him after his TEDxStanford talk to sign my copy of his book. His talk introduced “Man Made” with just a tad of suspense for those who haven’t yet flipped through the essays of wanton manliness, but that was about it. He concluded that the dagger of unmanliness — or for those of us blessed/cursed to move through life with a vagina know, of weakness in general — is just fear of confrontation. That’s it! He didn’t even read us “The List,” his top-secret list of life lessons reserved for only Laszlo, his oddly named penis-baby. And some people paid a lot for those TEDx tickets.

But “Man Made” is worth the read even if it doesn’t reveal all of life’s secrets to pretty successful success and even for those readers who aren’t women who secretly want to be dapper, sturdy gentlemen. Yes, there are life lessons to be learned — like the importance of a knowledge of American history, particularly of our success in wars, to the apparent perception of manliness — and Stein makes a point to mention Stanford many times, which will in turn make any Stanford reader feel both special and closer to the author. (That last one may just be me again.)

But no, not for knowledge or manliness or even for a Father’s Day gift should you pick up this book. Do it for the laughs. Any Stanford student immersed in spoiled discontent or mild frustration at the limitations of a comfortable upbringing can appreciate Stein’s journey through manliness as if in some modern Orpheus story, rescuing his own man-imus from himself and from society’s expectations. It’s no “Eat, Pray, Love,” but it is a barrel of laughs and will probably become a TV movie starring Casey Affleck if they can’t get Matt Damon. Plus, the book is a lot cheaper than TEDx tickets anyway.

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