Sex Talks with the Tree: Good guys gone bad

Nov. 16, 2012, 12:55 a.m.

Every girl says, “I just want to meet a nice guy.” But do you really? What is it about bad boys and jerks that continues to be so appealing to many women?


The stereotypical phrase “nice guys finish last” applies to the overly-nice men who let us walk all over them, becoming so compliant and passive that they lose their backbone. I am not looking for an obedient terrier; I am looking for a man. It is not sexy to be with a man who only wants what I want. Whether we are deciding where to go for dinner or what new sex position we should try, it gets unbearably boring when a man says “Whatever you want!” every time.


Sure, at first it can seem kind and nice, but in my opinion, this leads to a one-sided relationship where the man never initiates anything new and never shares his true passions. This is not to say that nice, respectful men are not desirable. Of course having a good, caring and honest character is important, but don’t lose yourself or your confidence in the process!


No, surprisingly I don’t want an abusive man who cheats on me and treats me like trash, but I don’t want a painfully nice one either. It seems that most of the men I have dated have either ended up on extreme parts of the spectrum: too nice or complete asshole.


Why do we let men treat us poorly? Or rather, why do we want it?


I would consider myself a strong, confident woman, but I have somehow stood for poor treatment from men. Recently, I went out with a guy who seemed nice at first. One night after things had become a little heated, I stood in the dim mood-lit glow of my room, fixing my hair in the mirror. The sexual chemistry had been unreal, but as I stood there in nothing more than my skivvies, the guy nonchalantly says, “I can see your cellulite.” Thankfully, I do not have a low body image, but this was hurtful nonetheless and completely uncalled for.


I was furious and made my anger known. What I should have done is seen this for what it was: a giant flashing red light and thrown him out right there. If a friend or peer had said something so hurtful and disgusting to me I would never have tolerated it. But for one reason or another, I saw him again after that night. I was so disappointed in myself for letting this slide; I knew that he was bad news, but it almost drew me to him more.


Perhaps it’s a residual biological drive. As one of my friends admitted, “We are bred to want aggression…our man should be a good killer…our man could kill a wooly mammoth [back in the day].”


More likely, with “bad boys” we are constantly on a chase with a challenge to change his bad boy ways and convince him that we are good enough and worth it. In a recent Psychology Today article by Jen Kim, she hits the nail on the head: “The guys [we like] weren’t bad boys. They were emotionally unavailable, non-committal, not ready for a relationship, whatever you want to call it. That is where the allure comes from… please, bad boy or not, never tell a girl you can see her cellulite.

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