Sex Talks with the Tree: Three’s Not Always a Crowd

Jan. 11, 2013, 12:33 a.m.

I was recently approached to guest star in a three way. Even if you have been in a group sex scenario before, it is important to really think about the pros and cons before you jump into bed with more than one partner.

For example, not an ideal situation: A girlfriend of mine has been on the rocks with her boyfriend for a few months. They have broken up, gotten back together, the usual. She comes into my room, stark naked, and says, “I just convinced Trevor to have a three way with us – come and join.”

Another non-ideal situation: I had been hooking up with a guy – we will call him Bobby – in my house sophomore year. We were not official yet, but it seemed as if that’s where things were going. One week, his “friend” from home visited. I later found out, from her, that it was his ex whom he had been dating on and off for years. Later that night, I walked past them on the stairs. As I angrily viewed her just-sexed hair, Bobby nonchalantly says, “We were just on our way to the shower; want to join us?” No, I did not.”

It is important to consider the repercussions of the three way. Though all parties involved may be up for it initially, there is really no telling how people might react after the event itself. It is really important to communicate with all of the participants involved. Though it may seem to take away from the sexiness of the proposed menage a trois, it’s guaranteed that proper preparation will help lead to a less dramatic, more enjoyable and more fulfilling experience.


Tips for those of you thinking about a three way:

If someone brings up the idea of a three way, don’t assume it is two girls and one guy, as the media has popularized. Three ways happen between any combination of sexes and any combination of sexual orientations. Though The Lonely Island’s lyrics, “It’s not gay if it’s a three way,” are a parody, try to keep an open mind – everyone has their own different fantasies.

If you are guest starring, find out whose idea the three way was; chances are everyone will enjoy it more if the idea was mutual.
If the couple is dating, try to individually talk to each of the people involved and ask them how they feel about the situation, ensuring that they are OK with the idea.

If the threesome has people of both sexes, you are going to have to be OK seeing or even interacting with someone of the same sex. If you are repulsed by this idea, then I think it is safe to say you will not enjoy a three way.

Remain sexually safe. You should still have to consider the sanitary precautions involved in sex, especially if there are a few people. If you will be having vaginal or anal sex, it is important to have many condoms available. You should use different condoms for different people – do not reuse the same condom on different partners (no, it is not the same as sharing a lollipop).
Also, if you are using your hands, use one hand per person to minimize the exchange of fluids. Drinking might make you feel more relaxed, but it can also be a bad idea. If you don’t really want to participate, don’t drink and force yourself to feel comfortable with the situation – chances are you will regret it later, if you even remember it. Sure, maybe you want to have a drink together first as opposed to walking in the door and immediately taking your pants off, but don’t get drunk. Trust me when I say, a flaccid penis can really put a damper on your potential three way; you want to be in control and on top of your game.

Be prepared for possible outcomes after the three way. It is possible that even if you are among friends, after a threesome people may experience feelings of romance, jealousy, awkwardness, etc. Though you can’t predict how people will react afterwards, think of some potential outcomes. Don’t let this deter you from having a threesome, but just make sure that the experience is worth the possible negative outcomes.

Know, understand and respect the limits of everyone involved, as they could all be different. Establish a safe word and know how far each party is willing to go.

The famous saying “Three’s a crowd” can sometimes be true. There are definitely ways to ensure that one person is not left out. Perhaps, if you are comfortable, bring some fun toys. But just remember that this experience is about sharing yourself and your lover with another person, so yes, you do have to, in fact, share. If you are not comfortable with sharing, then perhaps you should not be having a threesome.

This may come as a surprise, but it isn’t every man’s fantasy to have a three way with another woman. I have definitely encountered some guys who get jealous or consider same-sex exploration as cheating. So, don’t assume your partner’s fantasy would be a three way. Though it might be, find out first before you recruit another person from the party you just went to. Of course, you can always stop the event at any time, but it would be better to know if threesomes don’t sound good to you before your partner is inside of another person; thus, try to really think about it first and have this discussion with your potential lovers.

Though this seems like a lot to think about, keeping this all in mind and preparing will allow everyone involved to stay as emotionally and physically safe as possible. There is a fine balance between trying to be sensitive and being so fixated on sensitivity that you are not enjoying yourself, as you are too worried how everyone else is feeling. If you establish these guidelines first, then hopefully in the moment, you can be fully present and enjoy yourself. Threesomes might not be for everyone, but they can be a beautiful, passionate experience if you want them to be.

Login or create an account