Sex talks with the tree: Real life sex

Jan. 25, 2013, 1:55 p.m.
Open scene. A busty blonde with perfectly shaped nipples (you know, those kinds of nipples that always look like it is freezing outside) walks into her “teacher’s” classroom to work for that A+. Throughout the video, the “teacher’s” penis somehow stays erect for what seems like forever. And of course, the buxom blonde, who is definitely not in high school, has no problems becoming wet and aroused, and it seems that with every touch she has a screaming, intense orgasm.

But lets be real, this is not usually reality. Spoiler alert: everyone’s vulvas and penises look and behave differently in real life. For example, if you are a girl, chances are one of your boobs is probably slightly larger than the other. So, unfortunately, the ideal hookup that you had planned for tonight will most likely not resemble a scene with seasoned adult film stars James Deen and Cytheria.

Instead, these are real, awkward hookup encounters from some Stanford students:

“After cooking a nice romantic dinner, my boyfriend tried to carry me into the bedroom, only to hit my knee really hard on the doorway. Needless to say I spent the next five minutes crying instead of kissing.”

“I was giving oral sex to my boyfriend, and I got one of those uncontrollable tickles in my throat. I spent the next ten minutes coughing in the corner, so I did not cough on his penis…”

“This one time I was having sex with my boyfriend. We were in a reverse cowgirl position, and I totally farted. He was like, ‘Um, did you just queef?’ and I said ‘yah mhmm…But then it started to smell…”

“My boyfriend was having sex with me from behind, and as he thrust out, he accidentally thrust back into the wrong hole…”

“Sometimes, after a long day, I just get tired during sex, and I kind of just want to stop and go to sleep.”

“My boyfriend thought it would be sexy to finish on my breasts. But his timing and angle were off, and he ended up getting it all over his own chin…”

Other totally normal parts of real sex that you probably won’t see in porn, unless you are watching porn bloopers (which I highly recommend):

1.  Sometimes the condom wrapper is difficult to open. Of course, this always happens when you are in the moment and ready to go, and then you struggle as the wrapper barely rips 0.00001 centimeters at a time. Though it may seem sexy to just rip it with your teeth, this can actually inadvertently rip the condom itself! Especially if you are using lube, that little package (no pun intended) is hard to open. Take a breath, don’t rush; if your partner is about to have sex, chances are they won’t leave in the time it takes you to open the condom. You can even use it as a purposeful tease like, “Oh, look how slowly I can open this condom!”

2. Especially if you have been playing beer pong all night, or even if you are really stressed about an exam the next day, sometimes you just can’t get it up or keep it up. For your partner: don’t worry; despite popular belief, men are not always ready for sex all the time. This does not mean that there is something wrong with you! Believe it or not, a lot of things can affect whether a guy gets hard or not. Try not to make a big deal out of it; the more you think about it, the less likely you are to rise to the occasion. Sometimes it works to put the condom on (even if he is flaccid) and then engage in some foreplay for a while, trying to distract from the pressure of getting it up. After a while, he will most likely be ready to go, if he has not drunkenly passed out already.

3. Weird noises are bound to happen. You might get a weird gurgle in your throat as you are kissing. Your chests might collide and create a farting noise. There are awkward slapping and smacking sounds. If these sounds gross you out, put some music on (I obviously put “All Right Now” on repeat). Touchdown. Or just embrace them – your body is a beautiful thing!

Sex and porn can both be great, but it is important to know that one is obviously produced fantasy and one is reality. Face it, sex is adult film stars’ job; they practice and are professionals in their field. They get paid to make it look good. Chances are, if you are being paid to code for Google, you are not having as much practice perfecting your inverse lotus sex position.

Most likely, your Pizza Hut Delivery man will be a prepubescent, squeaky-voiced boy with acne and not a 6-foot tall muscular man who happens to have “a sausage for you.” You may never organically have sex like a porn star, but if you are open to it, try some role-play scenarios. You can enjoy porn, and you can enjoy sex – you can even enjoy porn and sex at the same time – but don’t be disillusioned when you can’t copy the exact moves as smoothly as you see in videos on RedTube.

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