It’s Tuesday night after the worst midterm you’ve ever taken, and you can’t fathom a healthier outcome than eating your feelings. To make matters worse, you have no car, and even though you’re kicking yourself for not doing that ZipCar registration, you’d rather lie on your futon than do anything about it. Let The Weekender make the most of night in, and check out these on-campus options:

1. Coupa

For the chic “Starbucks? What Starbucks?” look you’ve always wanted, there’s no place better than Coupa. Between the rich and creamy chai teas and smooth crepes, this little cafe’s got what you need. You can even make eye contact with Green while you’re doing it, letting all those suckers in the window know what they’re missing.

2. Ricker Dining

If you’re looking for a little exercise to counter-balance your emotional eating, Ricker is your dining hall — after that trek up Santa Teresa you’ll deserve that plate of mashed potatoes as big as your head, with gravy, and turkey, and fries, and anything but the green color that haunts your soul.

 3. Thai Cafe

Maybe your midterm fell in the middle of the day, and you don’t want to face that one smug neighbor who will remind you what you did wrong when you were frolicking in blissful ignorance. To hide out from the world for a while, pop into the Thai Cafe hiding in the quad — the peaceful anonymity of slurping heavy noodles and richly spiced broccoli from a Styrofoam container can heal any wound.

 4. Olives

For those grab-‘n’-go, “Stanford got nothin’ on me” days, Olives will have you in and out in a flash. Sleeker than a dining hall, cheaper than a real restaurant, Olives will give you some version of the sushi and salmon you’ll really be eating as a CEO one day (after you pass CS 107, of course).

5. Late Nite @ Lakeside

Nothing better to work off that study guilt than with a guilty pleasure. It’s simple to replace “Was it A or C?” with “Peanut butter or oreo milkshake?” and, unlike your exam, you still have the option of saying, “Both please.”

 6. CoHo

You and the underwhelmed, struggling musicians at the open mic can bond over the gorgeous coffees and sandwiches while you stare blankly at instant replays of the football game that the bio exam made you miss. Take it out on that whole wheat bread — it doesn’t even know what polyploidy is.

7. The Treehouse

For the taco-munching, guitar-playing, low-light-seeking hippies in all of us, Treehouse is a perfect place to call home. With all the guilty fries that you could ever want and a corner locale on campus, the only thing slowing you down is the looks from people in the Tresidder gym, watching you with envy from the treadmills.

8. Ike’s

Only coming in so late because of the “college student budget” tax, Ike’s is the perfect place to eat twice as much as you intended to, at twice the price. There’s no denying the sweet victory of that honey mustard or the warm tug of those mozzarella sticks at your heart strings, but if you’re on a meal plan, save it for a rainy day.

 9. The Axe and Palm

The highly over-rated and simultaneously perfect burger joint of choice, Axe and Palm’s late hours can’t be beaten when you’re tossing and turning over that one integral and decide that the only derivative of your frustration should be extra barbeque sauce, please.

 10. Tresidder Memorial Union

Last but not least, our student center offers a charming array of places to make the average American feel right at home — between Panda Express, Starbucks and Subway, it’s just like you’re in kindergarten again, staring out the car window at passing suburbia.