Volume 204, Issue 51, January 4 1994: Despite hardships, study of ASSU to continue

Remember when we voted on that thing? It had like, something to do with clubs, and I’m pretty sure the ASSU was taking all the money away or something. I got some emails about it but the bill was so easy to understand I didn’t even bother reading them. You were probably too messed up after playing the after-break drinking game to remember.

And speaking of drinking games, drink whenever you hear someone say something awful about the ASSU. The ASSU has apparently been screwed up for so long that, in 1994, a law student named David Smolen conducted a study on the ASSU and it was reported that he “will provide recommendations this spring on how to improve the student organization.” Damn, you know the ASSU is beyond help when a law student has to step in.

I kid, I kid. I’m sure David was one of the good ones.

David divided up the study into five categories: fee assessment/student group funding, strategic financial plan/banking, review and revision of the ASSU Constitution, history of the ASSU and student feedback. Each category would have a study team with two leaders, six members, specific funding…

Whoa, whoa, whoa, this study is sounding a bit convoluted and needlessly complicated. This resulted in some difficulties and hardships with the study. Wow, the study of the ASSU itself couldn’t help but be a convoluted mess… like the ASSU.

If I find the results of the study, be sure to check your email for my 20-page long explanation of it. It’ll be a laugh riot, I assure you.

Volume 120, Issue 49, January 4 1952: Longer Hours At Bookstore

Heyoooo! Look who’s back from Christmas/Winter/Holiday/Oh right now I remember why I went out-of-state break! And while I’m just so excited to share my dumb New Year’s Eve stories with everyone, I am loathing the after-break small talk. You know what I mean. The after break drinking game is drink whenever you have a conversation like this:

“How was your break?”

“Good! But, I mean, it should have been longer, am I right? Too short!”

“Haha, I hear you, bro!” *cool high five because we’re such good friends who can truly relate to each other.*

One thing I am looking forward to, though, is visiting the bookstore to get all my fun, easy to find books! Students back in 1952 know what I’m talking about, when the bookstore was poppin’ off so much that the Bookstore Manager had to issue a written apology to Stanford students about the long lines and unavailable books (pfft! like that ever happens!) and prolonged store hours from 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. Woo! I mean, I used to only pregame at the bookstore because they closed so early, but 10 p.m.? You can have the full party there too!

But forreal though, let this be a public service announcement: Don’t come to the bookstore on Tuesday. Like, seriously. As a cool journalist man, I have inside sources saying bad stuff is going to happen on Tuesday. I’m going to go check it out and investigate, and uh… get all my books and fly through the line when no one is there. For journalism.

Volume 224, Issue 53, January 7 2004: Bret’s must-read guide to the Dorm Ski Trip

You know, I thought I went to a good school. A good, rich one. A good, rich one that should be able to pay my way to ski trip fun, but no! I have to pay $60! I could (barely) afford a haircut around these parts for that much!

I kid of course and couldn’t be more excited for ski trip! Luckily, a friend of yours and mine, Bret Bechis, has written an extensive and very helpful guide to having fun at dorm ski trip! Here I was thinking that getting to room with some of my boys and that cute lady from 2nd floor was fun enough, but no! Bret runs down how to actually have fun at ski trip:

Eating the #4 value meal from Taco Bell, Carl’s Jr, and a medium meatlovers Dominos pizza on the bus to Tahoe.

Order “The Annihilator” from a place called the “Murder Burger” with a bathtub cub of Diet Coke.

Tally the skiers/ riders you can run over or gore in one run or throughout the entire day.

Take the bike to the terrain park and try landing a 360 no-handed nutcracker off a 20-foot kicker while in mid-flight letting loose a Chris Rix-esque howl of “I AM AWESOME!”

Try skitching, a great winter sport that’s just so hot right now. All you need is a car, some duct tape, a buddy with a need for speed and a snow covered road. Tape over the soles of your shoes, and grab onto the back of the car. Let Leadfoot go wild behind the wheel and hold on for dear life.

Snow spitballs.

Well, uh… as a journalist, who has journalist abilities, I will do a little editorializing and say this is horrible, “this will probably kill you” advice. Ski trip sounds like a suicidal venture! Who gave this Bret the word count to give such treacherous advice? Oh…