With rugby’s RBS Six Nations Championship nearing its halfway mark, it seems appropriate now for me to give a beginner’s guide to the state of play so that all you rugby luddites out there can impress that one guy you know who played rugby in college and still tells you about the concussion he received making a match-saving tackle. All of you will know someone like this, although the chances are that only 20 percent of those people’s stories are true.

What is undeniably true, however, is that the Six Nations, rugby’s premiere northern hemisphere tournament, is one of the last remaining sporting events that allows European countries to throw out all pretense of liking each other and do what centuries of history could not: prove one country’s superiority over another.

IRELAND (2-0, beat Italy and France)

Traditionally, Ireland has always been a team of spurts and stutters. After enduring a 24-year wait for glory from 1985-2008 — tied for the longest ever drought — they have rebounded to win two out of the last six titles, no mean feat given that the Six Nations regularly travels between the five founding members of France, Italy, England, Wales and Scotland (although not recently). Led by the ageless Paul O’Connell and their charismatic fly-half Johnny Sexton, Ireland’s traditional expansive gameplay make them a danger and one of the main threats to take home the silverware. Sexton’s health will be crucial, however, given that he has just returned from a mandatory 12-week concussion break. He was welcomed back by this hit, courtesy of French centre Mathieu Bastareaud.

ENGLAND (2-0, beat Wales and Italy)

Young-me hated England. Present-day-me still does. Not just because I’m half-German. England has normally been a team of boring grafters, content to grind you down into dust by recycling the ball through the forwards (think a football team that only ran 3-and-a-half yard rushes… so Stanford, basically). Watching an England game was like watching paint dry, if paint also had 70,000 fans who would curse you out for daring to suggest anything about paint. Not anymore. England have averaged 34 points through their first two games, lighting up Italy and Wales behind a rumbling forward pack and stellar play from the backs. Johnathan Joseph’s three tries — when a player touches the ball to the ground in a region not unlike a football end zone — have certainly helped, but England’s depth and pace make them a team to fear in the games to come.

FRANCE (1-1, lost to Ireland, beat Scotland)

France, just as in any other sport, can turn up and look like world-beaters, or they can look like they just stumbled out of a pub — un bar, I believe they are called — and onto the pitch. Frankly, consistency just doesn’t agree with the artistic fragility of their souls. France changes their preferred starters more than a chameleon changes color, and somehow they remain surprised why they’ve slipped from their mid-2000s heyday. I couldn’t tell you where France will end up, but I can tell you not to ever, ever, put money on them.

WALES (1-1, lost to England, beat Scotland)

Wales, home of sheep and… home of sheep. Rugby is pretty much all they have, since Lord knows Gareth Bale alone won’t get them to the FIFA World Cup any time soon. I write this terrified because Wales’ fans are famously passionate, bordering on rabid. The atmosphere in Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium is perhaps one of the biggest strengths Wales has. The team is talented as well, led by magisterial captain Sam Warburton and the dangerous Leigh Halfpenny. Will it be enough to take them past the other major players? We shall see, but it’s undeniable that the squad quality has slipped since the back-to-back championships in 2012 and 2013.

SCOTLAND (0-2, lost to Wales and France)

Scotland does not win. Do not be fooled. Remember when you thought they won? You dreamed that. They lose big. They lose close. They lose playing defensively. They lose playing expansively. I curse the fact that I adopted them as my team every year at about this time. The squad has been better recently, they play arguably the most exciting style of any of the six teams and new coach Vern Cotter is bringing some Southern hemisphere flair to a team that was desperately in need of it. I predict a 0-5 record. So it goes.

ITALY (0-2, lost to Ireland and England)

Ignore Italy’s record and the fact that the weakness of their domestic league puts them at a fundamental disadvantage that makes it very difficult to foresee a situation where they could one day win this competition. Get to know Sergio Parisse. The man is my idol. He married a Miss Europe, pulls off the shaved head look and is widely considered to be one of the best number 8s in the world despite playing for a team who is the equivalent of the little brother everyone pushes into the dirt. Italy will upset one of the other five teams (probably Scotland), as they do every year, and it will be in some part due to this man.

Dylan Fugel will spend the rest of the week listening to his editors’ pleas for him to write about something Americans actually care about. Help them convince Dylan by contacting him at dfugel ‘at’ stanford.edu.