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The other day, Drake dropped his “So You Think You Can Dance” audition tape (under the guise of it being the music video for his sneaky mixtape hit “Hotline Bling”) and the Internet was lit. Interesting premise for an audition tape — I guess Drake is trapped in a water cooler in a phone sex office? — and interesting dance moves, but I like it. In the interest of supporting Aubrey Drake Graham’s lofty reality show ambitions — no Canadian has ever won the American “So You Think You Can Dance” — it’s time to give Drake’s controversial new dance moves legitimacy by naming them.
The “Hey, Don’t Hang Up, Does It Sound Like I’m in a Washing Machine?”
What’s the deal with this Drake cellphone dance though who has the instructional video ? — Vince Staples (@vincestaples) October 21, 2015
Think of the greatest hybrid inventions of all time. The spork. The liger. Homeboys in Outer Space. Now add one more creation to the list: Drake’s hybrid “phone call”/“crazy in the head” dance move. In one smooth, economical motion, Drake communicates that “Hotline Bling” is about going crazy over a girl and about phones. Beautiful. You can tell he worked hard on this move — it pops up everywhere in the video. This is his thing now. And you know what else is great about this move? I imagine that this is how Lil B takes all of his phone calls.
The “I Think That If I Just Keep Wiggling It, This Piece of Ikea Furniture Will Fit into This Other Piece of Ikea Furniture”
So you’re trying to put together this Vonsk that you got at Ikea for the foyer, but a big wooden cylindrical piece just tumbled out of the box, and for the life of you, you can’t figure out what it’s for. Maybe if you just grasp the wooden cylinder gently between your hands and slowly wiggle it into what you’ve put together so far, these pieces will screw together? Remember to lift with your hips.
The “Grandpa Got Into the Hennessy”
“Play some Al Green, young blood!”
The “Why, Bollywood, Why?”
Imagine: Drake has just had his heart broken by an Indian model. He is drowning in his feelings, as he often is, but publicly he displays a healthy nonchalance and his fans love it. Soon, memes combining the shrugging emoticon, Slumdog Millionaire and the 6 God run rampant. Admittedly, they get a little confusing.
The “Why, God, Why Do I Only Have a Children’s Basketball to Dribble?”
You have to ball with what you’re given.
The “I Just Got Off of a Snowmobile, Let Me Take a Breather”
I think Todd Palin might have the same jacket.
The “Count the Settlements Your Opponent Has on the Catan Board and Bow in Defeat”
I have no idea how to play Settlers of Catan.
The “Fresh Prince Speed Skating”
You’re Will Smith, the top speed skater of the ‘90s, and in this race you’ve locked into a rhythm — right, left, right, left. Now you’re way out ahead of everybody, and you decide to flex on ‘em a little. You slow down, show that trademark wiggle of the head, and give it up to God. Life is good in Bel-Air.
The “I’ve Been Trying to Put Together This Piece of Ikea Furniture for Two Hours”
F*** this Vonsk!
The “Having Sex With an Escalator in Space”
Drake is floating; the escalator is running slowly; Drake is climbing it with his hands as it passes; he is careful with his penis.
The “I’ve Got My Eyes Closed So I Can’t See How This Move Looks,” also known as the “Grandpa Got Into the Hennessy: Round 2”
Thank God you can’t see what’s going on, Drake. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
The “Cha-cha”
This move actually looks good without qualification. Nice one, Drake!
The “Less Competent Cha-cha”
Guess his joints might have gotten stiff?
The “My Joints Got Stiff”
Look at his face! The guy’s knees are killing him!
The “Apple Gave Me Two iPhones to Use in This Video and I Don’t Know What to Do With Them”
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Drake has two phones here, and it’s unclear why. Is he waiting on calls from both his main chick and side chick? Well, Drake, you can receive calls from two different people on the same phone. Maybe he’s trying to hide his side chick’s texts and calls from his main chick? A phone in each back pocket is a bit of a dead giveaway. Drake could be trying to double his chances of hearing that hotline bling by having two phones? That’s not how probability works, Drake. And what if a nice girl is unsure which phone is your main phone so she blings both with the same message? She’ll feel silly sending you a duplicate message, the same silly we all feel when we tweet the same thing we just posted as a Facebook status.
The “Tiny Piano”
Is Drake the coolest lonely rapper or the loneliest cool rapper?
The “Whoa, Turns Out the Booty Makes a Horrible Pillow!”
Why else would Drake jump up and be repelled with such force from the booty he was sleeping peacefully on a moment ago? The booty is a capricious deity; keep your wits about you, even as night falls and your eyes ache for sleep.
The “Grandpa Got Into the Hennessy: Round 3: I Think He’s About to Fall Asleep Out on the Steps”
He’s still feelin’ the vibe, though! Grandpa’s cool.
The “Cyborg”
Because it’s like the robot… but not quite.
Contact Alex Cheng aexcheng ‘at’ stanford.edu.