Emperor Palpatine, Senator Rosen agree to lightsaber duel

April 20, 2016, 11:09 p.m.

Last Thursday, Emperor Palpatine — the disqualified ASSU Senate candidate — publicly challenged newly-elected Senator Gabe Rosen ’19 to a lightsaber duel over the latter’s Senate seat. This weekend, the Emperor confirmed via comlink that Rosen had accepted the Dark Lord’s challenge.

“It’s clear that the Dark Side of the Force is calling to him,” Palpatine said. “I will make an apprentice of Senator Rosen. Or I will murder him. That’s what ended up happening with Darth Hennessy, and no one’s complaining.”

Darth Hennessy’s tenure as Palpatine’s Sith apprentice has been a successful one. He had previously served as a faculty member and later Provost at Stanford before turning to the dark side of the Force in 2000, when he assumed the presidency. Last year, he announced his plans to step down from the position. In accordance with the Rule of Twos, the Emperor announced in February that he had chosen a new successor, Darth Tessier-Lavigne.

The duel between Palpatine and Rosen was previously scheduled for 12:30 p.m. on Friday, April 22, but had to be rescheduled due to poor weather and unforeseen conflicts.

“My visions are like the Daily,” Palpatine said. “Hard to read.”

Palpatine said that he was “unsure at this time” of how the duel would play out, though he liked his chances.

“I feel my empire will be mounted upon this campus, soon making it as dismal as the ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’ movie,” the Emperor added.

Rosen was optimistic too, saying that he had been training ever since he accepted Palpatine’s invitation to duel.

“Even though I’m facing off against an intergalactic military dictator with years of fighting experience and expertise in literally shooting lightning from his hands, I’m feeling pretty confident,” Rosen said.

The duel is currently set to take place at 6:00 p.m. on Thursday, April 21 in the Main Quad. The Galactic Empire Marching Band will be present. Wookies will not be allowed on the premises.

Contact Jacob Nierenberg via holocommunicator at jhn2017 ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Jacob Nierenberg '17 is a coterm pursuing an M.A. in Communication on the Journalism track. The program is very busy and often precludes him from writing for The Daily, but he enjoys contributing stories and music reviews when he is able to. Prior to beginning the program, he completed a B.A. in American Studies. His hobbies include spending time with friends and listening to music, and he is always delighted to meet people as enthusiastic about music as he is.

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