1. Stanford students never have to apply for summer jobs or internships. They simply show up at Google and are hired on the spot. In fact, Google arrives on prospective freshmen’s doorsteps as soon as they receive their admissions letters, offering lifetime employment and a guaranteed path to CEO-hood.

Most Stanford students actually refuse this offer because they prefer the more exciting journey of entrepreneurship. However, they keep the free Google shirts and water bottles anyway as a reminder of the job waiting for them as soon as they strike it rich with a startup.

2. Stanford offers an equal number of job fairs and opportunities for its STEM and humanities majors. In fact, Stanford’s Humanities Job Fair is among the largest in the world, and those with no interest in writing thousands of lines of code will never feel pressure to do so.

3. Stanford has the lowest number of Title IX cases of any peer institution. In fact, make that the entire United States. Stanford is so incomparably safe that it scarcely needs to deal with any sort of incident reports. The last time that Stanford sent out a Community Alert was in 1884, which was a telegram to inform the Stanford family of Leland Jr.’s death.

4. No individual named “Brock Turner” ever attended Stanford University.

5. Because of (3) and (4), the hard alcohol ban instituted over the summer could not have been related to Title IX. However, it was also not related to hospital transports, because everyone at Stanford is impeccably responsible, and no one has ever been transported for alcohol-related reasons. Former President John Hennessy simply enacted the ban as a means of facilitating the transition of power by eliminating undue references to the incorrect president.

6. The Band was no longer performing because all of its members spontaneously chose three straight quarters of nonstop Full Moon on the Quad, even when there was no full moon. The choice of Band members to forgo music cannot be attributed to administrative actions; thus, the administration is not responsible for the disbanding of Band. The recent decision to reinstate Band, however, is to the administration’s credit, for it has a deep appreciation of True Music and Free Stanford Culture. Die Luft Der… freedom!

7. Stanford has a famously vibrant social life, and the long-term dating scene is excellent. Most students seem to fall in love from the first day of NSO. A recent survey found that 99 percent of Stanford students are in a relationship.

8. The weather at Stanford is perpetually sunny. It has not rained in nearly 20 years, but Stanford has also been a drought-free oasis. The palm trees simply grow of their own accord, and due to the lack of rain, students can bike blissfully without fear of large puddles of mud and rusted locks. Never invest in so much as a raincoat; it will be a waste of money.

9. Lake Lagunita is always filled with water. At its center, it is almost a mile deep, and the Stanford Scuba Diving club has been hunting for such treasures as Satisfactory/No Credit units, lost sleep and the beepers left by Karel the Robot.

10. There is always food available in every dining hall. Especially in FloMo, which offers “continuous dining,” the food is particularly delicious on Fridays and Saturdays, and the staff does not even need to be present to cook it. Food also abounds during holidays; West Campus students are never left to trek to Arrillaga, since there is so much food that they could stuff themselves with the ramen noodles that grow alongside the orange trees.

11. There are exactly the right number of meal plan dollars and dining swipes on every student’s card. Not a single dollar or meal swipe ever goes wasted, especially because the dining halls are always consistently open and accessible.

12. Stanford has no minimum SAT or ACT score requirements for prospective applicants, because it welcomes everyone! The bar to entry is set incredibly low, set at the fair price of only $90. Everyone has an equal chance of getting in! However, Stanford is also a prestigious, selective institution. These two facts are not at all contradictory. Everyone should apply!

Contact Xinlan Emily Hu with more alternative facts at xehu ‘at’ stanford.edu.