Bitterly lonely? Here’s 5 guaranteed places to find true love on campus

Feb. 14, 2017, 8:50 a.m.

Dear friend,

Are you single AF? Bitterly lonely and deprived of human contact? Are all of your friends and strangers swapping enough saliva to fill a toilet bowl (and an especially big one for that 2 slash 14)? Or do you have a little tingle of emptiness and sorrow signaling that you’re about to undergo cardiac ischemia and that you’re ready to mingle?

Well, boy oh boy, are you in luck — because there obviously is no better place than Stanford to find that significant other you’ve been looking for since you were a mere ball of cells attached to your mother’s uterus! And not only is this the best place to find someone who matches your intellectual vitality and shares a common background, but it might very well be the only place where you will be able to meet that high quality, HD-level attractive person of your dreams . Because, of course, once you leave school, you’ll be hard-pressed to find yourself in such close proximity to others who still believe in love in itself without alcohol and marriage vows.

To that tragic fact of life, we have some insider tips and expert-suggested locations on how to stumble upon that meet-cute that will be your ticket to a future of happiness, wellbeing, and power couplehood:

  1. The Hanging Gardens of the Crown Law School Library

A popular location for romantic surprises, which, ironically, completely defeats the purpose of a surprise. Great view and relatively generous greenery serve as a backdrop to the chance meeting that ends up in cohabitation and other such expressions of togetherness and bondage, both physical, emotional, spiritual, and physical. Mostly physical.

  1. Arrillaga Family Dining Commons

There’s a lot of people, a lot of food, and a lot of untapped sexual tension (not including the slow-flow water dispenser that takes 15 years to fill a reusable bottle on the left side of the dining hall). If not a bar, or a club, then at least good ol’ faithful Arrillaga Family Dining Commons. And if you suddenly fall sick with mono, you could at least make the vomit worth regurgitating.

  1. Lake Lagunita

What better way to meet your future partner than by having the bejesus scared out of you by that one person who walks really slowly and quietly behind you, for no other reason other than that the lake is circular and you aren’t walking fast enough? Imagine the thrilling relationship origin story you’ll get to tell your children about how you almost mauled your significant other in abject fear for your life!

  1. Mudd Chemistry Building

Though now defunct and walled off with barbed wire and hidden mines, there are plenty of opportunities here to find intimacy in mutual struggle and unconscious masochism. Or, for some, an exciting opportunity to partake in “real chemistry,” among other things.

  1. The Internet

Online dating is the real deal. Sure, there are plenty of creepy and fake individuals out there in that dangerous world of the unknown. But there have been a few wild success stories (here at Stanford!) that should not be discounted. At the very least, you’ll know that you’re not alone in this search.

The campus is your oyster-shaped love bed. You’ll have that rom-com standard meet-cute — you just have to believe in yourself, and have mildly compatible qualities with at least one other person. Best of luck, and leave room for Jesus and your 22-unit course load, part-time job, and that novel you’ve been planning to write for the past 10-odd years!


“Text message read at 1:00 p.m.”

Contact Vivian Lam at vivlam25 ‘at’

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