An update on the caterpillar crisis

May 3, 2017, 2:39 a.m.

Yes, there was an article about the horror of the caterpillars last week. But the caterpillars REMAIN.

Well, okay, actually, most of them are dead. A few stragglers remain – the last of their kind after the Actual Purge™ that happened last week just before Admit Weekend, thanks to ResEd. ResEd – at least in the walkway between Donner and Larkin – sprayed all the trees early in the morning in order to systematically murder each and every living caterpillar, cocooned or not.

The results were astounding: The caterpillars were all dead! They would no longer bug us, or fly into our unwitting mouths, or hide in our sweatshirt hoods, or stick to the backs of our necks to be found only when we were safely inside our dorms. (The last two happened to me and it was Not Fun and I fear I will never be clean again.) They would not scare away the ProFros (who we all know are mortally terrified of tiny, fuzzy caterpillars). Our pristine campus would remain pristine, just for them. (For that, ProFros, I thank you.) That was the good news.

The bad news?

Before they were all carted off to Caterpillar Heaven, there were hundreds, if not THOUSANDS, of dead caterpillars littering the floor between Donner and Larkin. It was a mass grave of the little guys. Unmoving, probably cold to the touch (??? – not proven; probably just really furry;, but who knows, I would never willingly touch one anyway) and totally lifeless.

The caterpillars were gone, and yet … they were still with us. A sign should’ve been posted: “Flip-flop wearers: Beware, or you might just catch a bunch of dead furry things in between your toes.” Unfortunately, no such signage was to be found, and I stepped on a dozen and killed them twice over. Sorry.

The ground remained this way for at least, like, a day. Maybe two. Then ResEd came by with, like, giant caterpillar-sucking vacuums and just kinda sucked ‘em all up in there. Or something. These are all theories.

Rest in peace, little furry things. You suck and I hate you, but you’re also kinda cute when you’re not tormenting every student on this campus. Buuuut not cute enough that I would actually mind getting rid of all of you. Y’all turn into fuckin’ moths. I hate those things.
Share your caterpillar horror stories with Matt Bernstein at mbernstein ‘at’

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