As a scientist and a football fan, I am always looking for sports teams to discuss and rank. As a puberty-stricken kissing machine, I am also always looking for things to sloppily push my lips against. With that in mind, here is my definitive ranking of mascots in the Pac-12 with whom I want to swap spit.

 

No. 12: Utah’s Swoop

Things I don’t like: hybrids and racism. This half bird, half-mediocre football player is the mascot for the Utah Utes, a school that is technically still named after a Native American tribe. Yo, it’s 2017. Swoop has earned last place on my list of Pac-12 hotties. While the prospect of being fed by a large, angular beak does give me a small electric spike of arousal, Swoop’s feathers are a MAJOR turn off. Kissing Swoop would be like getting smothered by a dozen uniquely-stained pillows from Costo.

Status: Would Not Kiss

 

No. 11: Washington’s Harry the Husky

Normally, I’d be all over a macho mutt that wants to… get husky with me… but I’m a little disturbed by this mascot’s name. Harry? Is that code for Furry? I’m into some weird shit—like dress-like-Bill-Clinton-foreplay kind of weird, but I’m no Furry. Sorry, Harry.

Status: Would Not Kiss

 

No. 10: Cal’s Oski

I think I already made out with Oski once when I was a lot younger? I’ll just throw him on the list here.

Status: Hit it and Definitely Quit It

 

No. 9: UCLA’s Joe Bruin

Joe is a burly, beautiful bear (BBB), and I would love to push my face hole tightly up to his. He has a deep chocolate complexion, a cute coal-black nose, and you know what they say about big paws 😉

Status: I’d Totally Do Him. Like At Least Second Base.

 

No. 8: ASU’s Sparky the Sun Devil

Is the devil into BDSM? I’d bet on it. Bring on that sunburn!!!

Status: 50 Shades Of Grey

 

No. 7: Stanford’s Tree

A giant log? Yes please.

Status: I’m Yellin’ Timber (And Oh God!)

 

No. 6: Arizona’s Wilbur and Wilma Wildcat

These two come from one of the top party schools in the country, so they know their way around a makeout sesh. Can anyone say threesome? I’m not sure I can in this sort of publication. Man, I should’ve really opted for a pseudonym.

Status: Get Your Head In The Game

 

No. 5: Colorado’s Ralphie the Buffalo

Five words: Look at those prodigious horns (!!!)

Status: Would Ride To Extinction

 

No. 4: Oregon’s Puddles the Duck

Now we’re getting somewhere. Gone are crooked beaks and mouths like caves populated with stalagmites: it’s Puddles the friggin Duck. Look at that smooth, sensual bill moist with aquatic adventure. Look at his lack of pants, the tightly wound scarf that beckons “pull me closer.” Plus that the petit sailor’s hat is dope, where did he get it?

Status: 10/10 Would Duck Again

 

No. 3: U$C’s Tommy the Trojan

There’s something comforting about a mascot named after a contraceptive. Valuing both sex-positivity and consent-culture tremendously, I see Tommy as a refreshing breath of fresh air that I’d love to ceremoniously smoosh my lips up against. Sure, there’s the issue that Tommy looks like sculpture chiseled out of Kappa Sig hyper-masculinity, and the issue that Trojan warriors never wore Corinth helmets… but I’ll excuse that for now. Have you SEEN his SWORD?

Status: 12-Pack Already In The Mail

 

No. 2: Washington State’s Butch T. Cougar

Often found at the Rosewood on Tuesday nights, Butch T. Cougar is a passionate lover that—I mean I’m just going off the name here but I assume—seeks the company of younger women. Do you feel your heartbeat quickening? I do, but that’s probably just because I shotgunned a Doctor Pepper on a dare. Regardless, Butch, let’s get freaky.

Status: Welcome To The Jungle

 

No. 1: Oregon State’s Benny the Beaver

No animal can compare to the sheer sex this creature exudes. Look at Benny. His tail flapping up and down. Those two buck teeth, white and shimmering like marble monuments at twilight. That football shaped head compensating for the lack of football acumen his team possessed. Those meaty mitts erupting in dark brown hair. The curves, the shapes, the ferocity, the mystery, the mystique.

Cardinal nation is great, but I’ll take Beaver Nation any day of the year.

Status: HOT DAM