Being a freshman is hard work. After months of build-up, of sending my friends off and staring at the ceiling, I was relieved to finally arrive on campus last month. But I was also overwhelmed. Who can I lean on when I’m struggling to navigate a new environment? Who do I turn to when I have papers to write and a bike to find before my 9 am class and Greek letters to learn and laundry to do? It was comforting during these uncertain, stressful times, as it is now, to have the support of my freshman dorm.

Though the 88-strong population of Rinconada, commonly referred to as Rinc, is almost twice that of my graduating class in high school, in the context of the University, the dorm feels like a small community. When I run into a fellow “Rincer” in the dining hall, I know I won’t have to eat alone; when I see a fellow Rincer at a party, I can count on a smile and our signature double dab; when I bike across a fellow Rincer on Escondido, I always wave. Rinc is my home by default, and there’s comfort in that.

Each day, I notice the web tying me and the rest of my dorm together tightening. This bond is fortified by shared experiences: picnics, spotlights, the scavenger hunt, dorm parties, PSET sessions. I’m not close to everyone in Rinc, but I feel an automatic kinship with each resident. I’ve developed these connections by consciously engaging with my dorm since the day I moved in.

Yet not every freshman becomes involved with their residential community to the same extent: the gamut runs from the omnipresent GroupMe star to the anonymous face who disappears at sunrise and returns late at night.

For some, this distance is a matter of choice. They prefer to hang out with friends in other dorms or take long naps in their lofted bed. For others, it’s an obligation, like a varsity sport, that’s keeping them away from their dorm mates.

Herber Banda ‘21 is a fellow Rincer who characterizes himself as one such freshman. When he is not running between his introsem, CME 100 and Chem 31A, Banda can most likely be found hanging out with a group of students from outside Rinc, most of whom he knew before move-in day, but rarely with his dorm mates.

During the summer, Banda attended SSEA (Stanford Summer Engineering Academy). After spending a month taking classes and living on campus, Banda left with a tight-knit group of friends. When they returned to campus in mid-September, their friendship continued.

“So when NSO started, I just stuck with those people, because I already knew them and didn’t want to start over … It was overwhelming to just start all over again, and I didn’t know anyone in this dorm,” said Banda.

During most of NSO, Banda hung out with this group, and before he knew it, classes had started and friend groups were forming all around him in Rinc.

Banda described turning to his friends from SSEA when he feels left out: “It’s a bad cycle I guess, like positive feedback. I keep going out because I don’t know anyone here, but the more I do that, the less I know anyone here.”

Though Banda is happy with his friend group, when he returns to the dorm at night, it can feel isolating: “I see cliques in the rooms and I think, ‘Oh, I could join this conversation right now, but it’d be so weird, because they haven’t seen me and half probably don’t even know my name.’”

Timing seems to be crucial. At the very beginning of the academic year, we are expected and encouraged to make friends. We try to be our most social selves, and, in this setting, approaching strangers in the dorm lounge, a class, or the dining hall is common. But recently, to some, it has felt that that friendship window has begun to close.

“I don’t know how to introduce myself. We’re practically a month in, and I’m still introducing myself, so I just feel like it’d be weird,” said Banda.

Though he is trying harder to make friends in Rinc, Banda is still inhibited by his fear of feeling invasive, so he usually falls back on his friends from SSEA.

Banda is not the only Rincer who’s often gone from the dorm. Jojo Harber ‘21, one of my floormates in Rinc, plays left back on the women’s soccer team, which occupies much of her time. When she’s not on the field training, or in class, Harber likes to spend time in Rinc and with friends from her team.

“When it comes to my social life, it’s pretty even. It depends on the day, who’s where and what my schedule is,” she said.

Harber spends considerable time with her teammates and the men’s soccer team, both in official events and more casual settings. While Harber manages to participate in many Rinc activities and meetings, at times, she still feels like she is missing out: “I haven’t seen as many people in the dorm and it’s harder for me to just kinda have more time and be around to hang out with people in general.”

The experiences of freshman athletes range greatly, though nearly all share in the juggling act required to strike the fine balance between socializing in their dorms and staying on top of their significant academic and athletic commitments, a problem we’ve likely all encountered.

While some athletes may feel distanced from their freshman dorms for reasons beyond their immediate control, some students make a conscious choice to limit their interactions within their dorms. Larkin resident Melda Alaluf ‘21, for instance, intentionally passed up many activities during NSO and in the first few weeks.

“I felt like NSO was really overwhelming in a lot of ways, and it can feel really artificial if you’re constantly trying to build relationships in this week period, so I didn’t take part in everything,” said Alaluf.

She wasn’t in a rush to meet Larkin people, and her decision was purposeful: “I feel like I’m inevitably gonna get to know the people in my dorm because I live with them. So I want to make friends in as many different places as I can and get to know the people outside my dorm.”

Alaluf didn’t want to be “closed into a group” from the start or participate in bonding that she felt was “artificial.” So she went beyond her dorm — in her classes, on the equestrian team, and elsewhere — to meet people.

But recently, Alaluf decided to start spending more time in Larkin, saying that “Up until this weekend I had people coming up to me and asking ‘Do you live here?’”

On Friday, she went to the football game with her dorm and has been spending more time there since. Alaluf explained that her change of mind was prompted by a shift in social dynamics that she observed: “Things are picking up and everyone is busier. People have to go out of their way to maintain friendships, and that makes them more meaningful.”

As the jitters subside, authentic friendships begin to emerge, and this is the time that Alaluf has chosen to get to know her dorm. Though people in Larkin might not be “going out of their way” to make friends anymore, Alaluf has found that they are still receptive.

It is easy to dismiss the quiet freshman on the floor below you, the one whose face you never see at weekly house meetings or late-night jam sessions. I’ve done it too. But every freshman, and in fact, every student on campus, deserves to be met with warmth when they return to their dorm, whether they were only gone for dinner or they’ve been out all day. Freshman year is hard enough, so let’s keep the window for friendship ever-open.

Contact Lucas Hornsby at lhornsby ‘at’ stanford.edu.