In a “Notes from the Quad” post, Stanford President Marc Tessier-Lavigne briefed students on the changing expectations and policies for the upcoming Admit Weekend. Slated to run from April 26 to 28, Admit Weekend traditionally brings heightened sensitivity towards future job prospects and student conduct as the University attempts to project an appealing image to prospective enrollees.

Stanford is planning a central role for the BEAM career center in Admit Weekend. Administrators hope the free company t-shirts, tote bags and stress balls will help woo prospective students.

“We’re really excited to showcase all the diverse and meaningful work Stanford students go on to accomplish after getting their degrees,” a University spokesperson said. “And, who doesn’t love a free Google T-shirt? Gotta love the feel of 100 percent 3D-printed cotton and corporate ladder conformity.”

In accordance with that plan, Google is scheduled to take over the career center and will be posting a giant placard stating simply: $120,000 starting salary with CS degree.   

Facebook doesn’t have any scheduled recruiting events on campus, but they will be reaching out to targeted individuals previously identified through technically legal data collection.

Uber will be presenting to the potential humanities major.

Changes are also in store for freshman dining halls.

“Dining halls are always committed to providing students with healthy and delicious dining choices sourced from sustainable farms, and during Admit Weekend, as always, we’ll be fulfilling that commitment,” a R&DE spokesperson stated. “Really, there aren’t going to be that many changes from the standard menu during Admit Weekend. Granted, the sushi will now contain actual fish and the wagyu beef in a white wine reduction does mark a slight departure from normal dining hall fare. Still, I’m sure most current students won’t notice any changes at all!”

Not everyone appeared happy about the upcoming Admit Weekend. The Chinese tour groups in particular voiced reservations about losing their status as the only people getting lost on campus early weekend mornings.  

Never one to miss a beat, the Stanford Police Department promised to maintain vigilance on its SU alert update center if anyone got lost.

Mickey “itchy finger” Spillane, who mans the SU alert desk, swore nothing would get by him.

“I’ll write SU missing person alerts like you’ve never seen before,” he promised. “It’ll be like that time we lost that visitor Danny, and I sent out SU alerts asking people if they had seen Blake. Everyone was so worried that we’d never see Richard again, but we found Ronaldo in the end! I honestly haven’t been this excited since the water heating system broke in that one building and I got to send out like 20 update emails!”

Inclusion, according to Tessier-Lavigne, is another central motif of 2018’s Admit Weekend.

“We really want all visiting students to feel included,” Tessier-Lavigne said. “From Flomo to CoHo, RoHos’ or HoHos’ sayso stops ProFros or FoShoFros from thinking ohno I’m a foshonono on the down lolo. That’s really why so much of the language of Admit Weekend is about helping others understand Stanford.”

The school’s alcohol policy was also addressed by Tessier-Lavigne’s memo. The campus is traditionally dry during Admit Weekend, and officials signaled that particularly stringent standards would be enforced this year.

“We get that you young kids like your partying, but can’t you just tone it down for a few days?” Tessier-Lavigne wrote. “Just because we’re not in college anymore that doesn’t mean we can’t understand you kids with your swag and your YOLOs. You’re not the only people who’ve figured out that Hillel serves wine every Friday night.”

On a note unrelated to partying or alcohol, TDX and Kappa Sig have both disappeared. Neither fraternity house nor their members have been seen since last Tuesday.

This years’ Admit Weekend was cast as one of Stanford’s most important.

“Admit Weekend is also a special time of year,” Tessier-Lavigne wrote, “but we really want to lock students in early because we’re raising tuition by $50,000 next year, and every commitment counts!”

To help encourage students to commit, the popular gong students hit to signify commitment to Stanford will now be legally binding.

 

Contact Nicholas Midler at midler ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Editor’s note: This article was published for April Fool’s Day and is completely fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.