This report covers a selection of incidents from March 27 – 31 as recorded in the Stanford Department of Public Safety, Bike Light Enforcement and Missing Laptops (SUDPSBLEML) bulletin.

Tuesday, March 27

• At 8:43 a.m., a student was arrested for going the wrong way around the Circle of Death roundabout.

Wednesday, March 28

• At 2:30 p.m., someone backed up their chair in the Bender Room in the Cecil H. Green Library. The friction between the chair and the hardwood floor yielded a screeching noise audible to the students in the room who had remained on campus during spring break for the express purpose of leisurely reading in blissful, uninterrupted silence. One student particularly miffed by the screech promptly filed a noise complaint.

Thursday, March 29

• Between 10 and 11:30 a.m., a U-locked bike was stolen from the bike rack outside of Arrillaga Center for Sports and Recreation.
• Between 10 and 11:30 a.m., the bike rack was stolen from outside of Arrillaga Center for Sports and Recreation.
• Between 1 and 1:30 p.m., an unlocked bike was stolen from outside the Campus Bike Shop.
• At 1:23 p.m., someone was arrested for stealing a U-lock from the Campus Bike Shop.

Friday, March 30

• At 4:30 p.m., a student was thrown out of the Cecil H. Green Library for being in possession of coffee from Coupa Cafe.

Saturday, March 31

• At 9:30 p.m., a sophomore philosophy major was arrested on Salvatierra Walk for being a minor in possession of marijuana. Having taken a leisurely drag from his newly-acquired Eaze vape pen, which he had just procured with the assistance of his fake ID, the student pushed the SUDPS officer on what exactly it means for one entity to possess another. He also pondered what it means to be a minor, and wondered whether The State was employing his youth as a method of qualifying his personhood. Dazed by the student’s musings and perhaps also by the potent power of secondhand smoke, the officer had to call in some backup assistance.

There were no allegations of inter-publication feuds reported between March 27 and March 31 as recorded in the SUDPSBLEML bulletin.

Contact Julia Ingram at jmingram ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Editor’s note: This article was published for April Fool’s Day and is completely fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.