Over the past few days, I have personally witnessed the stress, anticipation, exhilaration, despair and self-doubt that the sorority rush process exerts over its participants. After being “cut” from a sorority that girls had envisioned themselves in, many began to wallow in self-doubt. While sadness is expected, I’ve heard many girls say that recruitment made them feel “fat,” “ugly” and “unlikable,” amongst other negative characteristics, despite the fact that none of these attributes were true.
Many of these girls exhibit the classic signs of cognitive dissonance. While feeling despondent about being cut, they also simultaneously acknowledge that the process is extremely superficial and that they probably didn’t get in because of these superficial elements. They can rationally analyze why they were rejected but still do not feel better.
They’re not wrong about rush’s superficiality. How well can two people really get to know each other in the span of a five-minute long conversation? In a hot, sweaty room full of girls flitting back and forth, barely able to hear each other or keep track of each other’s names, creating a more intimate connection is an impressive feat. And because of this, it is inevitable that certain immediate characteristics give those girls who possess them an upper hand in the Greek rush process.
Of these characteristics, there are two that are widely acknowledged as the most advantageous. For one, attractiveness is perceived as correlated with a much higher chance of receiving a bid, especially with certain sororities. And secondly, athletes, or anyone with friends and siblings in a sorority, also have an upper hand in the recruitment process, since members within the organization will be more likely to vouch for them rather than people they’ve only met for a few minutes.
While these more superficial aspects are definitely influential to a significant degree, the problem is the misconception associated with them. Girls think that if they don’t get in a sorority, it means they aren’t pretty or aren’t well-connected,and are intrinsically lacking in some way. Because of sororities’ low acceptance rates, many tend to think getting a bid ends up solely being based on whether one possesses these advantages — leading many to enact the mental gymnastics of deeming the process entirely unfair, while simultaneously becoming entrenched in self-doubt.
In fact, there is one advantage that is the most important and has the ability to far outweigh all of these. This is what many refer to as “girl flirt” — aka, the art of small talk. Clearly, there are perfectly ordinary girls who get into sororities without any of the aforementioned “assets” — girls who were accepted mostly based on the impressions they were able to make in a few minutes’ time. This is an impressive feat, and I am truly in awe of those who have honed this ability to turn small conversations into standout ones.
Being perceptive enough to ascertain whether the other person reciprocates your feelings, reacting to subtle cues, judging how to steer the conversation and remaining not only likable but memorable all within the span of minutes is an art form. By the second day, I found myself very intrigued by the thought of what conversations other girls were having with their “interviewers,” wishing I could see how theirs were proceeding differently than mine.
Small talk’s ability to be learned by everyone places it in a non-superficial category. As opposed to attributes like attractiveness or connections, small talk is something you can actively and intentionally work on. Hence, it reflects most upon why you may or may not have ultimately gotten into a sorority compared to other people on a similar playing field and can provide the most insightful information regarding acceptance or rejection in a sometimes arbitrary selection system. The entire process is unfair in that it gives some an undue advantage, but it’s also unfair of many girls to say they had absolutely no control over the situation and blame sororities entirely.
Girls should recognize that they are not inherently lacking or that it’s entirely the sororities’ faults if they get cut — they just were unable to bond immediately. This may seem counterintuitive to sororities claiming they just want girls to be themselves. Isn’t the pressure on girls to be good at small talk when they don’t want to be superficial in some sense? However, given the way our society operates, an extrovert bias in time-sensitive situations is just an unfortunate reality that everyone has the ability to overcome.
This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t be yourself, but if it’s not working, there is definitely something to gain if your best self also knows how to small talk. I doubt anyone really likes doing it, but sometimes our “true self” is best demonstrated when we know how to reveal it (even if leveraging this ability isn’t necessarily enjoyable). If small talk helps us obtain the things we truly desire, then it’s a skill worth investing in.
Ultimately, the Greek rush process exemplifies just one of the many ways in which our society demonstrates an extrovert bias. While extroverted skills like knowing how to small talk may be unpleasant for many of us and counter to our nature, it is necessary to learn them, at least in part, given their prevalence and ability to aid us in obtaining the things we want.
Contact Sejal Jhawer at sejalj ‘at’ stanford.edu