The quarter system time warp

May 4, 2018, 1:32 a.m.

Hello! Thank you for your four-year subscription to the Quarter System!


Included in this once in a lifetime offer are the option to explore more classes, a later start to the school year and a worry-free spring break. We guarantee you’ll love completing classes in ten weeks instead of sixteen. The Quarter System is especially useful for students who are unsure of what they want to major in by providing them with time to make a well-informed decision. With the Quarter System, you will have plenty of time to fulfill your major requirements and explore all of the subjects that you love!


Side effects of participating in the Quarter System include (but are not limited to) fatigue, nausea, dizziness, severe headaches, intense discomfort, self-doubt and disorientation. A common side effect currently under investigation is the Time Warp Syndrome.


Students who may be experiencing Time Warp Syndrome have referred to previous quarters as previous years in their life. For example, “Last year, I was in Econ 1.” What the student means to say is, “Last quarter, I was in Econ 1.” The causes of this effect are still under investigation.


Students under the influence of the Time Warp may also find themselves using a different means of telling time. Instead of using a traditional date and day of the week, students affected by the Time Warp typically identify the date by week and day numbers in the quarter, like a countdown before beginning again next quarter. For example, a student may say “Ugh, it’s only Day 2 of Week 3,” rather than “Ugh, it’s only Tuesday, April 17.”


However, this side effect appears to be beneficial since it allows students to empathize with each other. For example, our studies have shown that students typically use different week numbers to refer to different moods.


“How have you been doing?” asks Student 1.

“Well, it’s Week 9, so you know,” responds Student 2.

To which Student 1 responds with an understanding nod and/or grunt.


From our research we have gathered the following data about student perception of each week of the Quarter System:


Week 1- stressed with enrollment and shopping classes

Week 2- stressed with enrollment and shopping classes

Week 3- stressed with midterms

Week 4- stressed with midterms

Week 5- stressed with midterms

Week 6- stressed with midterms

Week 7- stressed with midterms

Week 8- stressed with midterms and finals

Week 9- stressed with finals

Week 10- stressed with finals


However, not all of the students’ emotions follow the same course due to individual variables like rigor of course load and other potential sources of stress. Another question is whether this stress is actually caused by the Quarter System or merely the universal stress of attending a university. Our researchers are currently in favor of the latter explanation, but we will wait for further evidence to confirm. Please note that our study is only in its infancy, and we plan to explore these broader questions at a later date.


Regardless of the Time Warp Syndrome and other potentially harmful side effects, we are proud of you and other students nationwide who have decided to partake in the Quarter System and optimize your educational experience!  


If you wish to modify the terms of your subscription to either lengthen or shorten your time with us, please contact the Quarter System Help Desk.


Contact Phoebe Quinton at pquinton ‘at’

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