1. Welp, with this weird hour and a half between classes, it’s either tabling, answering emails or napping for just long enough to be groggy and disoriented upon waking up.
2. Would they hate me if I skipped my tabling shift?
3. Yes. Yes, they would.
4. Which one of these godforsaken tables is ours? I really should start wearing my glasses more during the day; I can’t see shit. Does that say “SIMPS” or “Shakes”? Does it matter?
5. Well, I know none of these people, except the one who sent out the recruitment email. Who are they? Am I hallucinating? Are they spirits of students past who just mysteriously manifest when they need to lure new blood into the club? Do they feed on us?
6. I’m mixing my supernatural metaphors. Ghosts don’t feed.
7. Maybe they’re immortal vampires, however, who are never seen in the daylight and only communicate via Slack and When2Meet.
8. Why does everyone always take the good signs before I get here? What am I supposed to do now, just hover behind the table and cultivate the illusion that we actually have active members? Literally twiddle my thumbs?
9. At least there’s music. I mean, it’s always the same playlist of Top 40 bops, but it’s something.
10. Would it kill someone to queue up The Killers for a change, though? Lorde? Late ‘90s alt rock? Even Neon Trees.
11. All right, shake it out, time to get loud. Brrrr, brrr, mah!
12. Yelling at people who do their damnedest to deflect your attention is so cathartic. Why go to therapy when you have awkward bikers frantically trying to evade eye contact?
13. God, it takes too much effort to be witty.
14. Yes, you, Sir in the Patterned Tie and Converse, I’m calling you out specifically. We both know you’re not gonna stop, but I’ve got to entertain myself somehow.
15. Y’know, maybe I’m more extroverted than I give myself credit for.
16. Nope, nope, nope, I lied. I can’t carry a conversation more complicated than screaming into the void.
17. Why is this person making small talk? Sign the thing and go, please.
18. Thanks, man, you’re one of, like, 11 people I’ve interacted with in the last two hours. Mazel tov.
19. I SEE YOU, SAM! COME SIGN UP FOR MY THING. I’M GOING TO BRING THIS UP AT BRUNCH TOMORROW. YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME. I HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER. GOOD LUCK IN CLASS I LOVE YOU.
20. Tag yourself, I’m that redheaded 5-year-old who clearly does not know why he is here or what this campus is.
21. How is it this hot? It’s November! The spooky season! The chilly season! The blustery season! I’m wearing a sweater today, like a normal human! Why do you do this, Mother Nature?
22. No, wait, this is Persephone’s fault. Well – Demeter’s, technically. Go back to your husband, Persephone, a bitch is getting a sunburn.
23. Wait, did I have a reading response due?
24. No, it’s Wednesday, I’m Gucci.
25. Okay, I must deliberately strategize how to exit. Don’t make me clean up, don’t, this isn’t what I signed up for, don’t do it, don– damn it.
26. Curse my people-pleasing disposition.
27. That was admittedly not as terrible as I thought it would be. Should I sign up to table next time?

Contact Claire Francis at claire97 ‘at’ stanford.edu.