Colton preps for his Youtube career as he shirtlessly vlogs on the beach in Vietnam. The ladies arrive, fresh-faced, to create every videographer’s dream moment: women screaming, “Good morning, Vietnam!” while gracefully crowding on a balcony.

Colton and Hannah G. get sexy massages together, each wrapped in large leaves. Colton lovingly refers to the Insta model, proclaiming, “I would eat that sushi roll.”  

They make out for the vast majority of their screen time. Due to this cozy courting, Colton emotes, “I feel like the luckiest man in all of Vietnam right now.”

Having a deep moment of introspection, Caelynn critiques the one-on-one date recipient: “I think Hannah G. is so sweet and so kind, BUT I feel like she’s relied on her beauty so much of her life.” The runner-up for Miss U.S.A. further ponders the plight of having a career based on appearance and the possibility of it causing poor emotional development.

The date dramatically shifts to a serious moment when Hannah courageously inquires, “What was your very favorite part [of our date]?”

Excitedly interrupting her question with a boyish smile, Colton responds a single word: “Shower.”

Hannah reciprocates Colton’s shy smirk, “Yeah, I like showering.”

Next, there is a group date where the women physically fight each other. In preparation, Hannah gives us a sneak peek of what she did in the talent portion during her pageant days: “I went to sleep last night as Hannah B. but I woke up this morning as Hannah Beast.” I trembled with fear.

Colton expresses his confusion about why the girls are upset and punching one another in the face: “I wanted this to be fun and enjoyable for everyone.”

Demi provides thoughtful input on the awkward dilemma: “I can fight with my words all day long, but I cannot fight physically.”

The group date elegantly concludes as Hannah B. smiles at Colton in a manner reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter, and Demi shares with Colton her first phone call with her mommy, who has recently been released from federal imprisonment.

Kirpa’s chin has mysteriously healed in time for her lackluster date with Colton. No more wild beach selfies for Kirpa.

Later that evening, Demi makes a trek to Colton’s humble abode, stating her intention that, “Hopefully after tonight Colton won’t be the virgin anymore.”

Demi tells Colton she is falling in love with him. He artfully conveys his unreciprocated emotions through the sixth-grade debate tactic of aggressively avoiding eye contact. At least he withheld the fact that the producers made him keep her on the show for the Twitter memes.   

The sacrificial ceremony occurs, and Katie is eliminated. Upon walking her out, Colton makes a poor attempt to protect her from the rain with his jacket, to which she responds, “Don’t worry about it.” I presume she is referring to bigger issues than the jacket.

Katie provides the third and final warning to Colton: “You know who’s ready and who isn’t. Just be smart about these girls.”

Between scenes of Colton’s awkwardly sexual side commentary and outward displays of physical affection, the quest for love becomes sensationalized and intentions become murky.

Sydney, Katie and Demi — who should be known as the three witches from “Macbeth” — caution Colton to beware of these girls’ forceful influence on more than just Insta.

Colton and I are left with a similar thought: “Am I missing something?”

I patiently await the answer to that question in tonight’s comedy special.

For more deep thoughts on the show that turned romance into comedy, contact Alanna Flores at alanna13 ‘at’ stanford.edu.