Commencing this week’s comedy special, Colton vlogs an astute observation: “Every decision I make is bigger and means more.” He returns to Denver, his motherland, to cope with multiple girls fawning over him.

Upon arrival, he has a bro-to-bro 30-second convo with Ben from Season 20. Colton thanks Ben for all the heartfelt advice, then dashes out to an intimate rendezvous with seven women.

On their one-on-one, Colton asks Taiysha her opinion on the preposterous idea of multiple women not being ready for marriage after a few dates.

Cassie and Caelynn contemplate this ominous warning. Caelynn, clearly having nothing to hide, remarks, “At least nobody named names.” Cassie confidently responds, “We know that there’s nothing to be worried about.”

The scene cuts back to Tayshia’s date. To not be a “tattletale,” Tayshia tells Colton that Caelynn and Cassie are pretty focused on continuing their ABC careers as the Bachelorette.

Colton eloquently voices his concern that two of his fav girlies could be on reality TV for the wrong reason: “This sucks.”

He then leads Tayshia into the bedroom in an attempt to add a dash of much-needed spice to the date. He sensually comments, “This is the place where the magic doesn’t happen.” 

Caelynn receives the next coveted one-on-one and small, gentle tears roll down the other women’s faces. Through clenched teeth, Cassie excitedly repeats, “This sucks, but I’m really happy for you.”

On their date, Colton hastily confronts Caelynn and she artfully deflects all suspicion about her intentions.

For his date with Hannah, Colton takes her to meet his family for affirmation to cut her loose. Colton’s daddy gives him a pep-talk to prep him for the game of a lifetime.

Revealing each and every one of her teeth, Hannah B. reaffirms her intentions to Colton, “I don’t just date to date. I date for marriage.” He responds to her with a heartfelt rejection, “I know there’s somebody for you. Somebody is going to make you incredibly happy. […] Can I walk you out?”

He reflects: “Tonight I’m sending a woman home that has made it clear, that she is ready [for marriage]. I just hope I’m on the right track.”

Hannah G., Kirpa, Cassie and Heather continue the saga with a group date.

Colton, in a conversation with Colton, questions, “What do I do here to protect myself?”

Colton thoughtfully replies to himself: “I don’t know.”

Reacting to Kirpa’s accusations, Cassie notes, “This all just reeks of desperation to me.” I am not sure if she is referring to Kirpa or the entire concept of the show.  

Kirpa affirms her assertions are her opinion. Cassie then steals my classic fifth-grade comeback, “In my opinion, you’re an idiot.”

Colton, unsurprisingly, decides to offer Cassie the last rose, representing a ticket to the Hometown Hoedown.

Justifying his verdict, Colton reasons, “It’s not about the he-said-she-said thing. It’s about what my gut’s telling me.” I concur that it is not simply Colton’s intuition guiding the decision-making, but rather a more dubious source.

For more intellectual ponderings about rumors and romance, contact Alanna Flores at alanna13 ‘at’ stanford.edu.