The hometown hoedown gets cracking as Caelynn and Colton sit on a bench envisioning the three non-negotiables of their nonexistent future together: “Growing, moving forward and … getting a dog.”
Colton leaps with glee as he eloquently announces, “I get to meet the fam.”
Caelynn reassures Colton that she is no longer just falling in love, but is now fully in love. Thanks for the clarification.
We then arrive in Birmingham, AL where Hannah G. promises to show Colton “what the South is all about,” in an attempt “to turn [him] into a perfect Southern gentleman.”
Hannah G. takes Colton to an etiquette class where he walks around with a book on his head like Selena Gomez in “Princess Protection Program.” Then, they not-so-salaciously move to the dinner table where Colton is taught how to eat bread nibble-by-nibble. After being asked multiple questions about his manners, he admits that all he knows “is how to eat the food.” Me too, Colton. Me too.
The etiquette coach explains a metaphor to Colton: “Hannah’s parents have been holding an umbrella.” Now that she is of age, her parents are “looking for someone that would be willing to take that umbrella” in order to continue to protect her — what an elegant display of benevolent sexism.
At the parental units’ house, Hannah’s dad asks the tough questions: “What are your intentions with my daughter, man? I mean … y’all have known each other, what, a month now, on and off?”
Hannah expresses her unwavering confidence in the relationship and alleviates her father’s concern: “He is somebody who I truly, truly see possibly working out at the end.”
After Colton receives the father’s blessing, Hannah’s mom provides her thoughtful support: “I’m completely down for love. I think it’s a great thing.”
Thankfully, the love torch is passed to Tayshia, who blindfolds and shoves Colton into a car to test his trust. They go skydiving and Colton, in a whirl of nerves, begs, “Please let me survive this fall. I still need to lose my virginity. I don’t know what I’m missing yet, but I heard it’s really good.”
Then we move to a dinnertime filled with family and falsity. Colton asks Tayshia’s dad for his blessing, to which the father responds, “Man, you’re laying it on me. I appreciate you, if you will, manning up, but I just met you.” I’m so glad Colton is asserting his masculinity in this man-to-man convo.
Tayshia’s dad further criticizes their fast-cooked connection: “You don’t microwave relationships.” I think he prefers a slow, gentle roast.
Out in Huntington Beach, CA, Colton expresses to Cassie that he finds her to be “the perfect balance of sexy and cute.” He then asks her how she is feeling, desperately hoping for some reciprocation. After exactly nine seconds of pondering and mumbling, she says, “I don’t know.”
Following his less-than-ideal encounter with her family, Colton once again inquires about her feelings, and Cassie says, “I don’t want it to be over.”
At the judgment ceremony, Caelynn is left roseless and turns to Cassie to urge, “Get engaged.” Caelynn swiftly exits with a teary-eyed goodbye.
Love lesson learned: Don’t tell Colton you love him, or he will send you packing.
For more lessons of love and contradiction contact Alanna Flores at alanna13 ‘at’ stanford.edu.