Let’s get ‘Hannah-lytical’

May 23, 2019, 1:00 a.m.

In this week’s whimsical episode of “The Bachelorette,” Hannah brought the men into her world of pageantry with the “Mr. Right Pagent.” Within this evocative display of humanity, there was an unexpected reframe of the traditional swimwear portion: a substitution bikinis and one-pieces (and maybe tankinis) for speedos.

The on-screen event preparation was quite extensive, involving snippets of interviews, disarming singing and side commentary such as, “Sorry, mom.”

In this haze, Alaska of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” asked Luke P. what his biggest asset will be in the upcoming show.

Luke responded with conviction, “My character.”

Alaska countered, “Dig deeper.”

For the talent portion, Jed whipped out his guitar and all the men sighed at the disheartening truth that the game was over. No one wanted to follow the heartfelt musician’s act (I hesitate to bestow upon him the title musician based on the performance), except, of course, Luke P.

Luke P. discovered a miraculous way to be a one-upper: drop the L-word within 48 hours of knowing something.

“I’m genuinely starting to fall in love with you,” he declared theatrically.

To Luke P.’s credit, Hannah ate it up and afforded him the opportunity to reign as “Mr. Right” for all of ABC eternity.

Later, there was an exhilarating group date as well as a one-on-one where, honestly, nothing of note happened, except that we learned the ABCs.

For those of you that aren’t up to date on your insignificant lingo, ABC stands for “Always Be Cam” and is an affirmation that Cam tells himself in order to be the bold man that Hannah desires. He took a “Hannah-lytical” approach (his words not mine), intruding on a group date he was not invited to with a bouquet of flowers in order to prove his worthiness.

Moving swiftly into the cocktail party, in an outward display of “starting to fall in love,” Hannah preps for massage time with a shirtless Luke P. He artfully assuages her concerns about his insincerity: “Everything I’m telling you is 100-percent real. I promise.”

Not long after, Jed stumbles upon Hannah and Luke P. who are enraptured in a fit of passion. The awkwardness is settled with a healthy dose of laughter as a coping mechanism — my personal favorite antidote.

During elimination time, Hannah dismisses all those that failed to be bold. ABC Cam remains afloat in the grander scheme to be “Mr. Right.”

For more obscure acronyms and foolish banter, contact Alanna Flores at alanna13 ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Alanna Flores '22 is a Managing Editor of The Grind. Contact her at alanna13 'at' stanford.edu.

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