Area 51: Captive aliens and … a death ray built by SLAC?

Aug. 12, 2019, 10:41 a.m.

The search for aliens is over. We have finally discovered that aliens are being held hostage at Area 51, and Stanford might have something to do with it. We are preparing to rescue the aliens and uncover Stanford’s secret.

Theories have risen as to whether the government is hiding not just aliens beyond Area 51’s “Do not trespass” signs, but also Stanford’s darkest secret: a death ray being constructed by the SLAC National Accelerator Laboratory. 

The rescue mission was created on Facebook by Matty Roberts to inform all humans that, beyond the “Do not trespass” signs, lie aliens and other government secrets. So, if people want to uncover secrets that could be life changing and “see them aliens,” they must Naruto run so they “[could] move faster than [the U.S. troops’] bullets.”

SLAC might have been behind the aliens’ arrival. While doing research with their particle accelerator, a machine that propels particles to high speeds and energies, the researchers cracked the code on how to get aliens to earth. Now, reports suggest that those aliens may be guarded by the death ray SLAC has definitely been building all these years. 

Our generation will be remembered for the many intellectual things that we have accomplished — from eating Tide Pods to creating “The Woah.” Our next feat is to end the dreadful experience that the aliens have been going through ever since Stanford brought them to this earth, and show them how peaceful we really are — even if we have to go to war for it.

We estimate that about 1.9 million aliens are being held captive against their will (figure based on various Twitter memes). Look out world. This could mean that World War III is closer than we expect. The U.S. Air Force will not spare any trespassers, and SLAC’s death ray will show us no mercy. The government will go to great measures to keep “them aliens” in their territory.

“[Area 51] is an open training range for the U.S. Air Force, and we would discourage anyone from trying to come into the area where we [detain aliens],” warns U.S. Air Force spokeswoman Laura McAndrews.

Some students feel that instead of storming Area 51, they should storm Montag Hall and “seize them full rides.” I don’t know about you, but I’m just glad that the raid is in September, leaving me time to plan my entry and escape plan.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Mariam Guirgis at mariamhany3 ‘at’

Mariam is a high schooler writing as part of The Daily’s Summer Journalism Workshop. She was also a part of the program in summer 2019.

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