EPA administrator caught stealing catalytic converters from campus Priuses in latest attempt to roll back California’s vehicle emission standards

Humor by Prateek Joshi
Oct. 3, 2019, 12:05 a.m.

In the White House’s latest attempt to roll back California’s vehicle emission standards, Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Administrator Andrew Wheeler has been caught stealing catalytic converters from Toyota Priuses parked throughout Stanford’s campus. According to reports received by the Stanford University Department of Public Safety, Wheeler and several of his assistant administrators were seen loitering around parking garages and suspiciously looking underneath vehicles.

“Look, suing the state of California over and over again about their Clean Air Act waiver clearly isn’t sending a strong enough message to the governor,” explained Wheeler as he lifted a parked Prius onto a hydraulic jack and fired up his portable reciprocating saw. “By chopping off these pesky and expensive emissions control devices from fourteen Toyota Priuses and one Toyota Sequoia, all with California plates, the federal government is affirming its absolute right to set the environmental standards for this nation. We can’t allow some rogue state to control the entire auto industry by attempting to regulate toxic air pollution.”

Many believe that selling these repossessed car parts may even minimize the deep budget cuts the EPA has endured under the Trump Administration. At press time, Wheeler was also spotted slashing the tires of every single electric vehicle parked at Stanford’s charging stations.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.

Login or create an account