FedEx harkens to history, as system failure leads to use of carrier birds on campus

Humor by Jakob Barrus
Oct. 11, 2019, 2:17 a.m.

Nothing short of a tragedy befell students this past week when package dispersal at Tresidder’s FedEx center came to a chaotic halt. Students were horrified to learn that the office’s mail delivery system had crashed. Packages vital to student success here on campus were delayed, as items like Juuls, fake IDs and several textbooks failed to reach their intended recipients.

The FedEx office staff scrambling all week for a solution, finally electing to put to use carrier pigeons to speed up package dispersal. Bird cages have been set up all around the office in anticipation of the new labor force’s arrival. A FedEx employee by the name of Doug was tasked with screening local birds for use by the store. Upon questioning Doug on this process, he just smiled and lightly cooed, holding two pigeons in his hands. 

It looks like more than just leaves will be falling on student’s heads this autumn, as the first round of flight tests for the carrier pigeons has begun. Integration has been slow, as every pigeon has failed to lift any of the several thirty-pound textbooks off the counter. We were told that these results have become a cause of great dismay to Doug.

In addition to pigeons, this transitional phase at Tresidder’s FedEx has apparently also begun talks to revive some form of the pony express on campus. While unfortunate for the grounds crew, this would be great news for the equestrian team — it will finally be seen whether they can do more than prance around the activities fair (and we don’t mean the horses). 

In the meantime, students are turning to other options to receive mail and packages. The post office on campus is one such spot that could see an increase in customers. When a FedEx employee was asked if the post office could be a threat to stealing loyal customers, they said, “The post office, what the f**k is that? Do you mean that recycling facility for Chase?”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Jakob Barrus at jakob8 ‘at’

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