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New Arrillaga Fellowship requires each recipient to name firstborn child Arrillaga

Satire by

In a recent press release, Stanford University announced that the new Arrillaga fellowship will require each recipient to name their firstborn child Arrillaga. The award, which was created to help students pursue research in the real estate field, was recently established because billionaire alum John Arrillaga ran out of buildings on campus to name.

 “We’d like to congratulate each of the 50 recipients who are now contractually obligated to name their firstborn child Arrillaga,” started the press release written by Provost Persis Drell, who is also in the process of changing her last name to Arrillaga in honor of this newly established fellowship. “Thanks to the Arrillaga family’s continued generosity, students from all backgrounds will be afforded the opportunity to become a world-renowned expert in land acquisition and commercial development. We’ll also have whole swaths of children named Arrillaga within the next 10 years.”

In order to celebrate this impressive cohort of awardees, the University will hold a reception at the Frances C. Arrillaga Alumni Center, which is across the street from the Arrillaga Center for Sports and Recreation, followed by a catered dinner at the Arrillaga Family Dining Commons. The event will conclude with a keynote speech by John Arrillaga and a happy hour at the Arrillaga Outdoor Education and Recreation Center. The contract also stipulated that if a recipient doesn’t have kids, they would have to legally change their own name to Arrillaga.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.