“Why can’t we just learn how to clap?”

These words seldom exit the mouths of Stanford students. The University has been considerably successful in instilling into frosh the tradition of snapping in response to literally everything. The unspoken agreement among those on the Farm as well as the Snap Clause in article 173, page 679, paragraph 3, line 5, character 13 of the Fundamental Standard have sewn the threads of this crucial ritual into the fabric of our community.

But on Wednesday night, a new student (who has chosen to remain anonymous) found that he’d snapped one too many times during an announcement about intramural volleyball during house meeting. 

“Lizzo once said ‘Love Hurts,’ but I don’t think this is what she meant. The standup comedy sets, poetry readings, the vibe checks, it was all too much,” said the student. “I just couldn’t stop doing it — I even started snapping for the food at Arrillaga.”

After so much snapping, the student developed a sharp pain in his hands. Vaden Health Center presented him with three potential diagnoses: carpal tunnel syndrome, pregnancy or “norovirus of the hands.” The Daily is still trying to figure out what exactly that last one is.

The student, who now cannot write, wave, arm wrestle or do any combination of the above, has begun the lengthy process of getting President Marc Tessier-Lavigne to pay his medical bills out of his own pocket. He continues to express concern for all future students that may experience the same trauma. 

“Good intentions don’t mean anything. No one wanted this to happen to me. But no one’s doing anything to fix it, either,” the student said. “There’s so much I have planned — lobbying for interpretive clapping classes in the language department, a ‘Wrist Hurts?’ workshop training for every PHE on campus … but the first step to a solution is recognition of the problem, and until everyone on this campus realizes how important this really is, no one will stop snapping.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Chinmaya Andukuri at andukuri ‘at’ stanford.edu.